Tattooed Mom

Tattoed Mom
530 South St
Philadelphia, PA 19147
(215) 238-9800


Nachos with Salsa, Sour Cream & Refried Beans

Menu Description: Nachos with Salsa, Sour Cream & Refried Beans. (A titular description.)

Price: $9.50


Full disclosure: Years and years ago, during my tenure as a South Street employer and subsequent resident I spent a lot of time at Tattooed Mom drinking beers and eating nachos. In fact, I can confidently say that Tattooed Mom's Nachos with Salsa, Sour Cream & Refried Beans are the genesis of my love affair with nachos. I would generally refer to these nachos when either reminiscing about the "good 'ol days" or favorably comparing them to sub-par nachos. If I were to rate Tattooed Mom's Nachos with Salsa, Sour Cream & Refried Beans today based on memory alone they would be a triumphant 10. My journey would have ended where it began and I would simply lay down and die. Fortunately for you, dear reader, I have returned home to rate these nachos fairly, honestly and Matlock-ly. This means that when positive memories start flooding in which could alter my nacho rating (and I heard Daniel Stern narrating my life) I suppressed them deep down with other memories which include knee surgery recovery, high school erections and the only scary part in The Exorcist III.

My only consistent memory of my 20's.

Wow...this is going to be harder than I thought. These nachos were good. Really good. And of course I wanted to love them. In fact, I wanted to have these nachos and eat them too. But like Motley Crue said all those years ago, things change. I can enthusiastically say that most of the basics were thankfully still the same. The three sides are in their own little black cups (which kept the chips crispy). The platter was baked and served in a tinfoil-wrapped basket. The nachos were layered with multi-colored chips, then cheeses, then chips, then cheeses, then chips and topped with... mixed cheese! So, what changed then? The refried beans are undeniably a different brand/flavor then I remember and I wasn't really a fan of the spice within (which i can't put my finger on). The assembly was spot on, but the cheese was not melted on the bottom half of the platter. And the biggest change? Probably me. Not to sound like a sentimental asshole, but these nachos represent a special time of empiricism, friendship and individuality in my life. They could have never lived up to my memory of them, but came pretty damn close. Vince Neil was right (as usual).

If you ever find yourself on South Street, solo or with friends, I would recommend going to Tattooed Mom, sit in a bumper car, order a beer, listen to some great music, eat some Nachos with Salsa, Sour Cream & Refried Beans, and meet some new people. Tell them some dude who really loves nachos sent you.

• Presentation: 7
• Assembly: 9
• Uniqueness: 4
• Value: 7
• Taste: 8
• Overall: 7.0

Jimmy Buffett's Air Margaritaville

Jimmy Buffett's Air Margaritaville: 
Montego Bay  
Sangster Int'l Airport
876 Montego Bay
St. James, Jamaica
(876) 952-4777






Nachos

From the Menu: Crispy corn tortilla chips with cheese, tomatoes, scallions, jalapenos, sour cream and salsa.

Price: $14.95

Add guacamole: $3.95


For the full effect of this review please play this song in the background.

Let's immediately not cut to the chase. When I was resorting in Jamaica this summer, hanging out with some great friends, I wanted to eat nachos somewhere... anywhere. Surely this would be a once in a lifetime treat! However, my selection was extremely limited due to the inclusion (aka very thick high walls) of the resort I was practically squatting at. I certainly couldn't leave the complex and wonder the Jamaican dirt roads, asking locals where I could procure nachos to rate for my blog, could I? That answer is simply and undeniably, "No." So, on the day I was leaving Jamaica I found myself in the airport making one last-ditch effort to enjoy Caribbean nachos at Jimmy Buffett's Air Margaritaville. Why the fuck not? He's Jimmy Buffet and is the epitome of the Caribbean lifestyle, right?

Vice President Larry David knows nachos, right?

Through my research to learn more about Jimmy Buffett prior to writing this blog I realized how little I actually knew about Jimmy Buffet. Let me ask you this: How many songs do you know by Jimmy Buffett? Probably just the 1, but maybe 2 at the most? What do you really know about the man except that he is a singer-songwriter? If he was walking down the street would you recognize him? If you were able to confidently answer any of these questions instead of my expected open-mouth silence then you are probably a "Parrothead." And for that I'm truly sorry, so close your browser and have a shitty life. I can never unhear "Math Sucks."

"If life gives you limes, make margaritas." - Jimmy Buffett

Now, I knew from the menu description I wasn't going to get those unique Caribbean nachos I was hoping for. That saddened me, but it is my fault for not utilizing the beach-dwelling locals back at the resort. Perhaps nachos were actually further down on the list of goods they would try to sell me on a nightly basis. Anyway, as I dove into the top layer of my nachos I knew I was slated for further regret because they were fucking soggy. This is not a good sign considering I still had the entire pail to go. It's like eating a sandwich but the condiments turn the bread into that delicious mouth-watering mush - I do not abide. Apart from this rookie nacho blunder by the cook, the guacamole was so painfully average I had to wash it down with the most Jamaican part of this meal: my Red Stripe beer. Well, I tried to power through as much of the nachos as I could, but even with my girlfriend's help we left at least half in the can. Regrettably, cheese cannot fix everything. I was just wasting time and money at Margaritaville. I guess you could say it was my own damn fault.

In closing, fuck you Jimmy Buffett for making me use that pun.

• Presentation: 8
• Assembly: 4
• Uniqueness: 3
• Value: 2 
• Taste: 3
• Overall: 4.0

Maracas

Maracas
155 S Canyon Dr
Palm Springs, CA 92262
(760) 322-9654











The Original Macho Gabacho Nachos

From the Menu: Homemade tortilla chips, ranchero sauce, refried beans and melted mixed cheese topped with sour cream, Pico de Gallo and our famous guacamole. 

Price: $8.95

Add: Chicken $10.95   Steak $10.95


Like the great Gold Rush in 1849, I too traveled to California in search of gold. Nacho Gold. With almost zero violent run-ins with Native Americans this year around, I found myself wandering the streets panning menus in search of that nacho nugget that would change my life forever. And like the 49'ers of that era, I ran into my own share of devastating issues: blazing heat and a music variety consisting of nothing but Red Hot Chili Peppers albums. It was rough. But through everything, and despite everything I endured, I found Maracas.

Gold as far as the eye can see...

This place knows how to do nachos. I actually spoke to the manager and thanked him afterwards. Seriously. The first thing I must point out is how large the plate is (the pictures simply don't do it justice). My best guesstimate is that the platter was 2 to 9 feet long, but I can't be sure. Secondly, the mixed cheeses were perfectly melted atop the crispy golden chips. Perfect tinge, perfect texturing, perfect temperature and taste. Each bite was a cheesy masterpiece. The sour cream and Pico de Gallo were well received by my taste buds, but the guacamole was simply outstanding (creamy and chunky!). I always welcome fresh house-made guacamole with open arms and an open mouth. Thank you maracas for restoring my faith in simple, yet remarkably tasty nachos. My journey can continue...   

• Presentation: 9
• Assembly: 8
• Uniqueness: 3
• Value: 9
• Taste: 9
• Overall: 7.6

Miller's Ale House

Miller's Ale House
9495 Roosevelt Blvd
Philadelphia, PA 19115
(215) 464-8349











Fiesta Nachos

From the Menu: Crispy Tortilla Chips Layered with Fresh Ground Beef Simmered in Ancho Chili Seasoning, Pico de Gallo and Jalapenos. Smothered in Jack & Cheddar Cheeses, then Melted until Bubbling. Topped with Sour Cream and Guacamole.  

Price: $8.99


Valentine's Day. Her. Me. A bottle of red wine. A celebration of us. Nachos were in the air. And sadly, like many tales of love this one ended in bitter tragedy. From the very first moment we met my eyes were fixated, and I knew any relationship that started out this hot would soon grow cold and devolve into a complicated mess. Sure, there were some good times, but nothing I haven't experienced before. With all that was promised I can't help but feel frustrated by the reality of deceit and disappointment. But life is a journey of discovery, isn't it?

We should all realize I'm talking about the Fiesta Nachos by now, right?

“And he hated himself and hated her, too, for the ruin they'd made of each other.”

I truly believe the "before & after" pics speak volumes about these nachos. There was very little there to hold my interest that was atypical. I would call these nachos "quintessential" but I concluded it is too ornamental a word for what I was served (even though they certainly were "everyday"). The chips were crispy on top yet soggy on the bottom. The pico de gallo, jalapenos, and sour cream were straight from the corporate can. Their version of guacamole was a commercialized recipe as not to offend anyone. The "Fresh Ground Beef Simmered in Ancho Chili Seasoning" sounded promising but barely registered a 35 on the Scoville scale for me. The Cheddar and Jack cheeses, usually a saving grace of any routine nacho platter, certainly was cheesy but couldn't pull it all together.

It's nachos like these that make me think of this famous quote:

"So it’s not gonna be easy. It’s gonna be really hard. We’re gonna have to work at this every day, but I want to do that because I want you. I want all of you, forever, you and me, every day…"
– Ryan Gosling, The Notebook

• Presentation: 7
• Assembly: 4
• Uniqueness: 2
• Value: 4
• Taste: 4
• Overall: 4.2

Tiffany Diner

Tiffany Diner
9010 Roosevelt Blvd.
Philadelphia, PA 19115
(215) 677-3916











Loaded Nachos

Tortilla chips with tomatoes, jalapeno peppers, black olives and Cheddar cheese with sour cream and salsa.  

Price: $6.29


Another day, another diner. Another breakfast for dinner and another dinner with nachos. I've always had certain expectations of diners which are universally satisfied in spades. The older waitress that calls me "hun" is expected. The obligatory "couple in a fight" that doesn't touch their food is always welcomed entertainment. That crazy (usually non-threatening) companion-less patron that sits in the far corner and mumbles just loud enough to offer a faint white noise is soothing. Of course excellent scrapple is a must and inferior neon yellow nachos are a guarantee. These are a few of my favorite things.

This picture is my review.
Symptoms of acute radiation syndrome include nausea and vomiting.

The obvious question then is, "why?" Why order nachos on a regular basis from a species of food establishments that I know will ultimately disappoint? Well, I think there are two answers. The first being, "I don't know. I'm a stupid." The second being, "What if this is the place? What if this is the diner that prepares spectacular nachos and I was too much of a smug asshole to give them a try?" These are the questions that keep me up at night while I count nacho chips jumping over a fence into my mouth. Needless to say (as showcased above), this was not that place. But, my quest will continue until the day I am that lonely weirdo mumbling about nachos in the corner booth hoping anyone will listen. 

• Presentation: 1
• Assembly: 3
• Uniqueness: 1
• Value: 2
• Taste: 2
• Overall: 1.8

Taco Bell

Taco Bell
514 Rt 38 Cherry Hill Mall
Cherry Hill, NJ 08002
(856) 663-6324











XXL Nachos

No description was available or necessary. They intrigued me with "LIMITED TIME." They then sealed the deal by simply promoting "OVER 1LB." Fuck.  

Steak: $6.49
Chicken $6.29
Beef $5.29
And add a large drink for only $1.00


There are two types of people in this world: Those who once ate at Taco Bell and those who eat at Taco Bell. I understand and respect both camps equally. More so, I respect any restaurant chain that can sell me on a menu item with no description of ingredients but clearly identifies the weight. This is an obvious indication that I am about to embark on a journey that will test my strength, question my girlfriend's choice of men, and ultimately allow me to self reflect in the bathroom mirror shortly thereafter.

1 lb of  delicious, camera-skake worthy, imminent diarrhea .

Some say less is more. Others think more is more. In this case more may be less, but less so more than you think. More shredded cheese would have been nice, while less liquid cheese goop would have been better. More steak was expected in the "XXL Nachos" weighing over 1 lb, but less time on the grill could have improved the "meat's" essence-of-steak taste. More salsa would have offered a welcomed shift in flavor and broke up the overall sandy-colored appearance, while less salt would have saved me a trip to the emergency room. Fundamentally, the more I ate the less I felt like a man, a nacho blogger and a member of the human species.

As Robert Browning wrote in his poem Andrea del Sarto: "Well, less is more, Lucrezia: I am judged."     

• Presentation:4
• Assembly: 4
• Uniqueness: 2
• Value: 6
• Taste: 4
• Overall: 4.0

Mad Mex

Mad Mex (take-out)
3401 Walnut St
Philadlephia, PA 19104
(215) 382-2221











Nachos Grande

A nearly unassailable chip mountain with cheese, jalapeño peppers, black beans, guacamole, salsa and sour cream. Add chicken, steak or taco beef for $1.95.

Price: $8.50


Once a year I purposely deprive myself of sleep for as long as possible, sit in an moderately uncomfortable chair, and watch ridiculously bad movies all in the name of fun. During the Exhumed 24 Hour Horror-thon held each October (more on this much delayed review later) my friends and I put on our most comfortable big-boy pants (of the sweat variety) and watch delightfully awful cinema for as long as humanly possible. We willingly deprive ourselves of such necessities as sunlight, clean air, unblemished underwear, nutrition, and state minimum personal welfare. Hence, my late night dinner (or maybe early morning breakfast) nachos hand delivered to me by my cinema cohorts.

Perfect for the entire family. Or me.

These nachos were not great. They weren't pretty. They weren't even warm. I suppose that is to be expected while eating take-out, on wire patio furniture, outdoors at an unknown hour, in late October. However, the one thing these nachos did do extremely well was fill the dietary hole in my stomach. The sheer mass of nacho ingredients outfitted in this tin was ungovernable. It was like a nacho cinder block. Even though these nachos were middle-of-the-road and mainstream I can certainly appreciate the quantity over quality attitude. At that moment, when I simply needed mass over substance, these nachos were there for me. I ate and I ate. Then I ate some more. Then there was a long period of time I don't remember and here we are today!  

So, as far as the delayed posting of this nacho feast I simply blame sleep deprivation and hysteria. It wasn't until this week that I stumbled upon these old camera pics that led to the flashbacks of congealed cheese, cramped knees and my renewed love of Tom Atkins in Halloween III: Season of the Witch.

• Presentation:4
• Assembly: 6
• Uniqueness: 3
• Value: 5
• Taste: 5
• Overall: 4.6