Wednesday, December 31, 2014

The Field Guide to Nachos



The Field Guide to Nachos
www.nachonomics.com

Description: a pocket sized reference to the history, types and backgrounds of the greatest of Mexican delicacies.

Price: 10.00


Late night Kickstarter browsing usually leads to terrible decisions ending in lackluster rewards. Thankfully that was not the case when I decided to search "nachos" and came across this gem. This handy-dandy handwritten guide not only chronicles the history of "The Nacho," it offers a step-by-step illustrated guide on how to create a variety of delicious nacho platters, delves into the history of nacho ingredients, and much more nacho goodness.

Head over to www.nachonomics.com/store/the-field-guide-to-nachos to pick up your own copy. Perhaps our paths will cross in the nacho wild and we can nod our heads knowingly at each other.

My special Kickstarter package from a fellow nacho connoisseur.

Sunday, November 23, 2014

Nachos We Lost in 2014

This was a particularly slow year for your favorite (and only) nacho reviewer due to a number of life events and cataclysms. I spent almost an entire year planning a huge nacho celebration which consumed my life. It was a smashing success and everyone had a most excellent time! I should mention that I also got married at this celebration. A "certain someone" does read this blog.

Earlier in the year, and to my complete surprise, I underwent a surgery to have my nacho friend/organ removed. Due to my insane nacho lifestyle my gallbladder lost the long and hard battle of processing cheese. As I always said, I knew the health risks involved.

And finally, I had packed up my bags and moved north. Far north (and slightly east) to a place claiming to be "greater." Greater than what? Well, I can tell you that there is a lack of worthy nacho excursions up here.

Anyway, here are some of the lost nacho stories of 2014...


Taco Bell
9990 Roosevelt Blvd
Philadelphia, PA 19114
(215) 677-3974



Grilled Stuft Nacho

Menu Description: None available, but will set you back almost 600 calories.

Price: $1.29

Remember when Taco Bell bombarded us with the advertisements for this "new" menu item? I say "new" because rearranging ingredients around and folding them into a triangle does not nachos make.

Reason for being left behind: False advertising and blatant misspelling of a product to appeal to our youth.



My New Crib 
Philadelphia, PA 19115



Nacho Style Chicken Sausage - GUY FIERI STYLE!!!

Menu Description: Fully cooked smoked nacho style chicken sausage - with cheese, pinto beans, garlic & jalapenos.

Price: $3.98

These sausages were so fucking disgusting I ended up throwing out the other three. None of the flavors worked together and the textures were just awful.

Reason for being left behind: I felt ashamed supporting that frosted tipped idiot. He's the worst.



Lancaster Dispensing Company
35 North Marker Street
Lancaster, PA 17603
(717) 299-4602

    Nacho Platter (Seasoned Beef Option)

    Menu Description: Tortilla chips smothered in cheddar and mozzarella cheeses, topped with diced tomatoes, onions and green peppers.

    Price: For Seasoned Beef
    Small $6.25 / Large $7.50
    Add sour cream (50c) guacamole (75c) and jalapenos (50c).

    Yes, there are two platters of nachos in this picture. No, they weren't both for me. Yes, I sometimes dream of situations like this.

    Reason for being left behind: Amnesia. A plot line that will always destroy our favorite TV shows, movies and nacho blogs. In fact, I don't even remember if I used this quip before. I have.



    Sheetz
    Lancaster, Pennsylvania




    Macho Nachos

    Menu Description: Just that snazzy picture on the touch screen ordering kiosk.

    Price: Receipt lost.

    Fritos! And a ton of white stuff! Gross...mmmm...yeah, no gross.

    Reason for being left behind: Let's blame this one on Obama.



    Parts Unknown in Pennsylvania




    Tom's Nacho Rings

    Menu Description: Cheese flavored corn snacks. NET WT. 7oz. Servings per Container: 7
    Chips topped with slow roasted chicken braised in barbecue sauce with nacho cheese, black beans, fresh cut tomato salsa and sour cream - See more at: http://rittenhoused.com/2012/04/03/extreme-makeover-citizens-bank-parks-nachos-edition/#sthash.bvzwtST6.dpuf
    Chips topped with slow roasted chicken braised in barbecue sauce with nacho cheese, black beans, fresh cut tomato salsa and sour cream - See more at: http://rittenhoused.com/2012/04/03/extreme-makeover-citizens-bank-parks-nachos-edition/#sthash.bvzwtST6.dpuf

    Price: Value Priced at $2

    I'm not sure, but I think these may have just been cheese flavored pork rinds. Their taste was very similar to the bag the were sold in: bright yet deceptively empty.

    Reason for being left behind: I simply couldn't contend with this planted review on Walmart.com.



    Gearo's
    1913 Welsh Road
    Philadelphia, PA 19115
    (215) 677-2300



    Steak Nachos Supreme

    Menu Description: NEW!

    Price: $10.75

    If your going to serve me a metric ton of steak on top of my nachos make sure it isn't dry. Look at that disgusting pile of dog food. Gross.

    Full disclosure - Gearo's does make some of the best pizza around. It's REALLY good.

    Reason for being left behind: It's hard to write a review when you only eat two tortilla chips covered in [see above pic].



    El Rodeo
    250 South Meridian Street
    Indianapolis, IN 46225
    (317) 638-5604




    Create Your Own Nachos

    Menu Description: Chorizo, beans and cheese (the option I choose)

    Price: $7.99

    I love chorizo. I love cheese. I love tortilla chips. I used to love grease.

    Reason for being left behind: A couple of bites in I knew the hole where my gallbladder used to be was about to become the hurt locker. I came to my senses and the explosion was averted.

    Or was it???



    Perch Pub
    1345 Locust Street
    Philadelphia, PA 19107
    (215) 546-4090





    Tinga Nachos

    Menu Description: shredded chicken, tomato chipolte sauce, queso fresco, crema, refried black beans, pickled onions, lettuce, avacado

    Price: $12.50

    The day before my big nacho celebration (aka my wedding), I thought I would calm my nerves with a unique nacho platter. Something new and something different - just what I needed to sooth the soul.

    Reason for being left behind: Okay, so the proceeding 48 hours or so turned out to be one crazy blur. Some nachos were eaten, some vows were spoken, and some pictures of me kissing another man may have surfaced. It's hard to remember the specifics about these nachos other than they photograph well.



    Norwegian Cruise Lines - The Getaway 
    Somewhere in the Atlantic Ocean



    Nacho Pizza

    Menu Description: PIZZA OF THE DAY isn't enough for you leeches???

    Price: Free with the price of your cruise tickets, travel expenses, on-board gambling debts, and soda package.

    Somewhere out in the ocean I sensed nachos.

    Reason for being left behind: I never actually got to eat a slice. This picture was taken as I was walking by a section of the mile-long buffet after already gorging myself on other Sizzer-esque items. The Nacho Pizza was never to be seen again...

    Monday, March 31, 2014

    Blackbird Pizzeria

    The "last known photograph" of nacho pizza.

    Blackbird Pizzeria
    507 S 6th St
    Philadelphia, PA 19147
    (215) 625-6660


    Nacho Pizza

    Menu Description: avocado, caramelized onions, jalapeno peppers, tomato sauce, cheddar style daiya cheese

    Price: $3.00


    Consider this; a world where all foods peacefully coexist with nacho ingredients. A world where nacho-flavored soda thrives. A world that does not judge me for requesting nacho cheese on my Caesar Salad. A world where Nacho Flavored Combos actually taste like nacho-flavored Combos. A world that exquisitely combines two of my favorite foods: nachos and pizza. But we do not live in that remarkable world (as of writing this post - fingers crossed).

    Not yet.

    A mysterious weary traveler joins me on this unique nacho expedition.

    First, let me say that I went back for a second slice. Was I hungry? Yes. Was I confused, yet captivated? Yes. Am I vegan? No. And there was my predicament. I was mildly disgusted by the cheddar style Daiya cheese, but strangely drawn to it's odd taste as well. The avocado, caramelized onions, and jalapeno peppers were all run-of-the-mill, but did bring out a smidgen of the nacho beast within me. The tomato sauce was practically unnoticeable due to the overwhelming flavor of the cheddar style cheese, but did give a hint of tomato which marginally added to the nacho experience. The pizza crust was crunchy, but not enough to make up for the absentee chips that were playing hookey that day.

    In my nachos of hearts I believe with some retooling this could be an amazing nacho experience.  

    • Presentation: 4
    • Assembly: 8
    • Uniqueness: 8
    • Value: 6
    • Taste: 4
    • Overall: 6.0

    Saturday, January 4, 2014

    Nachos We Lost in 2013

    Every single New Year (since all the way back to 2014) I comb through my phone archives, stir the soup that is my memory and listen to grumbling in my gut to help recall and honor the nacho reviews we lost. Here are their stories...


    Loco Pez
    2401 E Norris St
    Philadelphia, PA 19125
    (267) 886-8061


    Nachos

    Menu Description: None available

    Price: $5.00 (add meat for $3.00)

    Look at that fucking mess. Disgusting. I remember about 5 people trying to eat these nachos at the same time.

    Reason for being left behind: Alcohol and debauchery.



    My Old Crib 
    Philadelphia, PA 19147


    Hot Pockets Snackers Fiesta Nacho Bites

    Menu Description: Taco Seasoned Beef, Mexican Style Cheese Sauce, & Jalapenos, In a Soft Tortilla Style Shell

    Price: $4.79

    Being snowed in and hungry for nachos is a recipe for disaster. Luckily Kristan bought these Hot Pockets Snackers Fiesta Nacho Bites. It helped. For a bit.

    Reason for being left behind: They're Hot Pockets. Review complete.



    Wizard World Philadelphia Comic Con
    PA Convention Center
    1101 Arch St
    Philadelphia, PA 19107
    (215) 418-4700


      Ultimate Nachos

      Menu Description: Topped with: Sliced Jalapenos, Diced Onions, Black Olives, Sour Cream, Salsa and Nacho Cheese Sauce

      Price: $7.00
      Top With Shredded Chicken Add $1.00

      I don't know what happened here. Either I ordered the wrong nachos, they gave me the wrong nachos, or I was completely sidetracked by some horrible cosplay.

      Reason for being left behind: Look at that picture. Just like water, it is salt in two of it's three states.




      Sharon & Steve's
      Warrington, PA 18976


      Sharon & Steve's Nachos

      Menu Description: Tostitos chips and salsa with ground beef, tomatoes, jalapeno peppers and nacho cheese.

      Price: Just my presence for dinner.

      A fun night visiting some of my closest friends. Honorary nachos for dinner. What could be the issue?

      Reason for being left behind: Total lackadasicalness on my part. I have no one to blame except Steve and Sharon.



      Citizens Bank Park
      1 Citizens Bank Way
      Philadelphia, PA 19148
      (215) 463-1000


      Barbecue Chicken Nachos

      Menu Description: Chips topped with slow roasted chicken braised in barbecue sauce with nacho cheese, black beans, fresh cut tomato salsa and sour cream
      Chips topped with slow roasted chicken braised in barbecue sauce with nacho cheese, black beans, fresh cut tomato salsa and sour cream - See more at: http://rittenhoused.com/2012/04/03/extreme-makeover-citizens-bank-parks-nachos-edition/#sthash.bvzwtST6.dpuf
      Chips topped with slow roasted chicken braised in barbecue sauce with nacho cheese, black beans, fresh cut tomato salsa and sour cream - See more at: http://rittenhoused.com/2012/04/03/extreme-makeover-citizens-bank-parks-nachos-edition/#sthash.bvzwtST6.dpuf

      Price: $5.00 (add meat for $3.00)

      Nachos at the ballpark! Blasphemy or progress? A radical review that would blow the doors off of traditional ballpark food ideology and question the tyranny of the ballpark hot dog kingpins.

      Reason for being left behind: Amnesia. A plot line that will always destroy our favorite TV shows, movies and nacho blogs.



      California Tortilla
      10000 Roosevelt Blvd
      Philadelphia, PA 191116
      (215) 543-5713


      Ultimate Nachos

      Menu Description: White corn tortilla chips topped with queso, jalepeno peppers, sour cream, guac, chopped scallions and salsa.

      Price: $5.19
      Mesquite Chicken: $6.19
      Taco Beef: $6.19
      Grilled Steak: $6.89
      Pork Carnitas: $6.69
      Turkey Chili: $6.19
      Veggies: $6.19

      This forgotten review is one of my great failures. Look at all the varieties of nachos, dammit. Any restaurant that lists "guac" as an ingredient and Brangelina's their own name (CalTort) is definitely worth a review.

      Reason for being left behind: Negligence. For this I fully expect Nacho Welfare Services to come to my house and raid my refrigerator of it's nacho ingredients. And rightfully so.




      La Lupe
      1201 South 9th St
      Philadelphia, PA 19147
      (215) 551-9920


      Nachos Supremos

      Menu Description: Chips with guacamole & cheese

      Price: $8.50

      One of my favorite places to eat before they closed their garage doors forever. Slow service, roommate backlash, and not a syllable of English to be heard could ever turn me off from this Mexican restaurant. My favorite alternative to Geno's and Pat's which were right next door.

      Reason for being left behind: Great fucking question and a real conundrum we have here. I guess you don't know what you got (til it's gone).



      My Old Crib 
      Philadelphia, PA 19147



      Valerie's Tater Tot Party Nachos

      Menu Description: Tater Tots, Tomatoes, Scallions, Black Olives and Shredded Cheese

      Price: What IS the price of a gift, I ask you?

      Just take a look at that picture again. Soak it in. My mind was kinda blown out my right ear when I saw these. Beautiful, tasty and unique.

      Reason for being left behind: Procrastination is a bitch. One of the many things I have learned on this journey is to strike while the iron is hot. When I sat down to write the review a couple weeks later I realized I couldn't remember anything properly. Getting old is a bitch too.



      Kristan's Crib 
      Philadelphia, PA 19115


      My Do-It-Yourself Birthday Nachos

      Menu Description: A buffet of ingredients to do with as we please!

      Price: A long hard look at myself.

      A kitchen full of friends creating their own nacho platters. Truly awe-inspiring and a total blast.

      Reason for being left behind: I couldn't rate my own nachos! That would be like Judge Judy presiding over her own meth addiction intervention. "Judge not, that ye be not judged," right? Oh. That doesn't mean what I think it means? Well, damn...