Montego Bay
Sangster Int'l Airport
876 Montego Bay
St. James, Jamaica
(876) 952-4777
Nachos
From the Menu: Crispy corn tortilla chips with cheese, tomatoes, scallions, jalapenos, sour cream and salsa.
Price: $14.95
Add guacamole: $3.95
For the full effect of this review please play this song in the background.
Let's immediately not cut to the chase. When I was resorting in Jamaica this summer, hanging out with some great friends, I wanted to eat nachos somewhere... anywhere. Surely this would be a once in a lifetime treat! However, my selection was extremely limited due to the inclusion (aka very thick high walls) of the resort I was practically squatting at. I certainly couldn't leave the complex and wonder the Jamaican dirt roads, asking locals where I could procure nachos to rate for my blog, could I? That answer is simply and undeniably, "No." So, on the day I was leaving Jamaica I found myself in the airport making one last-ditch effort to enjoy Caribbean nachos at Jimmy Buffett's Air Margaritaville. Why the fuck not? He's Jimmy Buffet and is the epitome of the Caribbean lifestyle, right?
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| Vice President Larry David knows nachos, right? |
Through my research to learn more about Jimmy Buffett prior to writing this blog I realized how little I actually knew about Jimmy Buffet. Let me ask you this: How many songs do you know by Jimmy Buffett? Probably just the 1, but maybe 2 at the most? What do you really know about the man except that he is a singer-songwriter? If he was walking down the street would you recognize him? If you were able to confidently answer any of these questions instead of my expected open-mouth silence then you are probably a "Parrothead." And for that I'm truly sorry, so close your browser and have a shitty life. I can never unhear "Math Sucks."
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| "If life gives you limes, make margaritas." - Jimmy Buffett |
Now, I knew from the menu description I wasn't going to get those unique Caribbean nachos I was hoping for. That saddened me, but it is my fault for not utilizing the beach-dwelling locals back at the resort. Perhaps nachos were actually further down on the list of goods they would try to sell me on a nightly basis. Anyway, as I dove into the top layer of my nachos I knew I was slated for further regret because they were fucking soggy. This is not a good sign considering I still had the entire pail to go. It's like eating a sandwich but the condiments turn the bread into that delicious mouth-watering mush - I do not abide. Apart from this rookie nacho blunder by the cook, the guacamole was so painfully average I had to wash it down with the most Jamaican part of this meal: my Red Stripe beer. Well, I tried to power through as much of the nachos as I could, but even with my girlfriend's help we left at least half in the can. Regrettably, cheese cannot fix everything. I was just wasting time and money at Margaritaville. I guess you could say it was my own damn fault.
In closing, fuck you Jimmy Buffett for making me use that pun.
- Presentation: 8
- Assembly: 4
- Uniqueness: 3
- Value: 2
- Taste: 3
- Overall: 4.0
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