Subway

Subway (inside das Walmart)
4600 East Roosevelt Boulevard
Philadelphia, PA 19115
(215) 288-3813


Subway Nachos

Ingredients: 390 calories (of not eating fresh)

Price: $2.00


So I meandered into Walmart because I felt my blood pressure was getting a little too low. But I felt something else too. Something very familiar. At first I thought I was excited for the inevitable spectacle that was about to unfold. Yet, nothing happened. No fashion crimes were being committed. No naked babies were running through the aisles. No one was acting confused by the door alarm because they forgot to pay for that HDTV. I wasn't even being rammed by one single shopping cart. Perhaps I needed to be patient and eat something. Maybe this was a "dinner and a show" type event. For some reason I was actually being drawn into the Subway, inside Walmart, inside a shopping center, but why? It was exactly like Inception and I was Leo-nacho DiCaprio. Weird, I know. It turned out this little guy was the reason:

We're not talking Chopped Salads here.

So, I ordered my 6" hoagie in typical song-and-dance Subway fashion. "Yes" to this. "No" to that. And that. And that. I was just getting ready to pay and I literally saw the sign. Turns out I am the one about to make a spectacle of myself and freak the fuck out in Walmart. Damn the "Order Here" sign! Damn the line! Damn the payment! Let anarchy reign motherfuckers!

So I politely asked to add-on the Subway Nachos to my order, my amount due was readily amended, and I promptly received the mystery box below:

What nacho gold awaits within?

Dare I say that I may have a future at the Walmart Portrait Center.

Those were Doritos all along! What a twist!

What more is there to say about Doritos covered in nacho cheese with jalapenos thrown on top? If you stop for just a moment and think about the ingredients you could probably taste them.

Do you taste it?

Thank you - this review is over.

Or perhaps the nacho chip is still spinning...

• Presentation: 3
• Assembly: 3
• Uniqueness: 4
• Value: 7
• Taste: 7
• Overall: 4.8

New Year's Nachos

Home
Somewhere in Pennsylvania


New Year's Nachos

Ingredients: boneless center cut pork chop, canned sauerkraut, Gala & Granny Smith apples, Garden of Eatin Restaurant Style White Corn Tortilla Chips, one bottle of Lion's Head beer, mozzarella cheese, and scallions

Price: Just a couple bucks per serving. I think. I can post the receipt if you like.


For as long as I can remember I have eaten pork & sauerkraut on New Year's Day. It is one of the sacred traditions my mother has never missed - ever - while I was growing up. It is a tradition I don't mind undertaking now that I am a man (of sorts). Well, that along with my tradition of watching Planes, Trains & Automobiles on Thanksgiving, wearing my favorite shirt the day after laundry day, and losing at scratch off lotto tickets.

This year I decided to agglutinate a tradition of ideas and flavors of my own. It started with a sleep-deprived brilliant idea and the next thing I know I was at Shop Rite purchasing ingredients and thinking about my poor mother's feelings.

Frankenstein's Ingredients

The Science

It's ALIVE!!!

Five hours later I was bringing in the New Year with my family. I may have received questionable glances at first, but soon almost enough everyone wanted a taste.

Who's crazy now?

Even though the color was a bit bland and monotone the flavor was just fantastic. The apples reduced the sourness of the kraut, the pork was tender, tasty and had a tiny hint of beer, and the chips were my alternate edible silverware (think of the environment). The mozzarella cheese stitched it all together like Frankenstein's monster and I was a madman content with his creation.

A simple and delicious way to welcome in 2015. I wonder if I can convince my wife of another new tradition I've been thinking about - nachos in bed on the weekend.

On a side note: eating mashed potatoes with tortilla chips is my new thing.

Happy New Year everyone!

• Presentation: 5
• Assembly: 7
• Uniqueness: 9
• Value: 10
• Taste: 8
• Overall: 7.5