Miller's Ale House

Miller's Ale House
9495 Roosevelt Blvd
Philadelphia, PA 19115
(215) 464-8349











Fiesta Nachos

From the Menu: Crispy Tortilla Chips Layered with Fresh Ground Beef Simmered in Ancho Chili Seasoning, Pico de Gallo and Jalapenos. Smothered in Jack & Cheddar Cheeses, then Melted until Bubbling. Topped with Sour Cream and Guacamole.  

Price: $8.99


Valentine's Day. Her. Me. A bottle of red wine. A celebration of us. Nachos were in the air. And sadly, like many tales of love this one ended in bitter tragedy. From the very first moment we met my eyes were fixated, and I knew any relationship that started out this hot would soon grow cold and devolve into a complicated mess. Sure, there were some good times, but nothing I haven't experienced before. With all that was promised I can't help but feel frustrated by the reality of deceit and disappointment. But life is a journey of discovery, isn't it?

We should all realize I'm talking about the Fiesta Nachos by now, right?

“And he hated himself and hated her, too, for the ruin they'd made of each other.”

I truly believe the "before & after" pics speak volumes about these nachos. There was very little there to hold my interest that was atypical. I would call these nachos "quintessential" but I concluded it is too ornamental a word for what I was served (even though they certainly were "everyday"). The chips were crispy on top yet soggy on the bottom. The pico de gallo, jalapenos, and sour cream were straight from the corporate can. Their version of guacamole was a commercialized recipe as not to offend anyone. The "Fresh Ground Beef Simmered in Ancho Chili Seasoning" sounded promising but barely registered a 35 on the Scoville scale for me. The Cheddar and Jack cheeses, usually a saving grace of any routine nacho platter, certainly was cheesy but couldn't pull it all together.

It's nachos like these that make me think of this famous quote:

"So it’s not gonna be easy. It’s gonna be really hard. We’re gonna have to work at this every day, but I want to do that because I want you. I want all of you, forever, you and me, every day…"
– Ryan Gosling, The Notebook

• Presentation: 7
• Assembly: 4
• Uniqueness: 2
• Value: 4
• Taste: 4
• Overall: 4.2

Tiffany Diner

Tiffany Diner
9010 Roosevelt Blvd.
Philadelphia, PA 19115
(215) 677-3916











Loaded Nachos

Tortilla chips with tomatoes, jalapeno peppers, black olives and Cheddar cheese with sour cream and salsa.  

Price: $6.29


Another day, another diner. Another breakfast for dinner and another dinner with nachos. I've always had certain expectations of diners which are universally satisfied in spades. The older waitress that calls me "hun" is expected. The obligatory "couple in a fight" that doesn't touch their food is always welcomed entertainment. That crazy (usually non-threatening) companion-less patron that sits in the far corner and mumbles just loud enough to offer a faint white noise is soothing. Of course excellent scrapple is a must and inferior neon yellow nachos are a guarantee. These are a few of my favorite things.

This picture is my review.
Symptoms of acute radiation syndrome include nausea and vomiting.

The obvious question then is, "why?" Why order nachos on a regular basis from a species of food establishments that I know will ultimately disappoint? Well, I think there are two answers. The first being, "I don't know. I'm a stupid." The second being, "What if this is the place? What if this is the diner that prepares spectacular nachos and I was too much of a smug asshole to give them a try?" These are the questions that keep me up at night while I count nacho chips jumping over a fence into my mouth. Needless to say (as showcased above), this was not that place. But, my quest will continue until the day I am that lonely weirdo mumbling about nachos in the corner booth hoping anyone will listen. 

• Presentation: 1
• Assembly: 3
• Uniqueness: 1
• Value: 2
• Taste: 2
• Overall: 1.8