Shady Brook Farm

Shady Brook Farm
931 Stony Hill Rd
Yardley, PA 19067
(215) 968-1670










Nachos

Homemade Chili & Cheese

Price: $6.50


Pumpkin picking and haunted hayrides. Animal races complete with pigs named "Kevin Bacon" and "Lindsay Lo-ham". Corn mazes and monster trucks. Stroller parking lots. Random stacks of hay. Lost children. Lost fathers. Fathers pretending to be lost. Kettle corn made offsite to mimic fresh kettle corn made onsite. Pony rides and piles of shit. Glitter tattoo kiosks. A not-so haunted house. The "World Famous" pumpkin tree. False smiles and broken dreams. Bouncy castles not made for adults. Overpriced foodstuff. Theses are the things that make up the family couple's day afternoon of fun hell. All a man simply wants are nachos on days such as these.

The line of the damned.

So, obviously I made a terrible mistake believing these nachos would soothe my tattered soul. There really isn't much to say that already hasn't been vehemently slurred by a homeless man before. They were boring, overpriced, and took 15 to cobble together. Plus, I don't think "homemade chili" means what they think it means. Unless they think it means "borderline expired lukewarm Hormel canned chili." Then yes, they would be correct.

• Presentation: 2
• Assembly: 3
• Uniqueness: 2
• Value: 3
• Taste: 3
• Overall: 2.6

Watkins Drinkery, Part II: Nacho Boogaloo

Watkins Drinkery
1712 South 10th
Philadelphia, PA 19148
(215) 339-0175







Chinese Firecracker Nachos

Wild boar, fried wonton chips, napa cabbage slaw, sriracha

Price: $9.95


According to Wikipedia, "Nachos are a popular food based on nixtamalized corn, of Mexican origin associated with Tex-Mex cuisine that can be either made quickly to serve as a snack or prepared with more ingredients to make a full meal... Sometimes French fries, potato chips, or popcorn are used instead of tortilla chips." First off, reading the entire Wikipedia entry is more bland than the first nacho platter I reviewed on this site. Second, and more importantly, I had no idea that "French fries, potato chips, or popcorn" could officially be used instead of nixtamalized corn chips when creating a platter of nachos. Well, if Wikipedia says it's so (especially within the first couple sentences), I certainly feel more tolerant about the fried wonton chips used in these Chinese Firecracker Nachos.

Sike. I'm actually a delicious warthog.

For my loyal reader(s), you will notice that this is the second time I've visited Watkins Drinkery. Word on the streets of Philadelphia was that they recently changed their menu (which they will do multiple times a year) and unveiled a brand new nacho platter. So, of course I had to wrangle up the motley crew of nerds, order some pints and awkwardly sit at a group of tables right next to the bathroom AND kitchen for maximum "in-your-wayness". I am proud to announce on this blog that I have never had nachos like these before. The fried wonton chips made an excellent crispy foundation for the chunks of succulent wild boar. The sriracha sauce (a favorite for people with taste in condiments or without working taste buds) topped the crispy napa cabbage slaw which was sweet, sour and certainly something that would not work on any other nacho platter. Overall, a unconventional combination of popular (and semi-exotic) American Chinese flavors that I truly enjoyed. It may not be something I consider to be on the "comfort food" side of the nacho spectrum, but certainly a unique and tasty experience worthy of a lip smacking.      

• Presentation: 6
• Assembly: 6
• Uniqueness: 9
• Value: 7
• Taste: 8
• Overall: 7.2

The Grille

The Grille
502 Sunset Blvd.
Cape May Point, NJ 08212
(609) 898-9677










Loaded Nachos

A description wasn't available on the menu board, but the words "loaded" and "nachos" were good enough for me.

Price: $4.50


A great man once said, "Life moves pretty fast. If you don't stop and look around once in a while, you could miss it." Armed with this poignant quote, a trunk full of fishing rods, some wonderful friends, and an approved time-off request form, I headed for the shore. As an incredibly pasty white man that spends most of my time under a roof, I took all the necessary precautions to ensure a completely safe day at the beach: I immediately ordered nachos and used the lunch tray to shield myself from the devastatingly beautiful sunshine. And yes, the nachos did taste just a little better knowing my work e-mails went reply-less, my phone calls went answer-less, and my sanity was customer-less.

Lonely are the chips that are left behind.

Let me say that these nachos weren't the prettiest and certainly weren't the tastiest, but what they lacked in ingredient quality, taste, and aesthetics they made up in mass, value, and backdrop. Now, under normal circumstances I would never take issue with cheese. Cheese surrounds us and penetrates us; it binds the galaxy together. But, there is a limit to the amount of canned gelatinous cheese I can ingest and digest. When all is said in done, there was absolutely nothing wrong with enjoying sub-par beach nachos on a beautiful day with some close friends.

And fuck Ed Rooney.

• Presentation: 4
• Assembly: 3
• Uniqueness: 2
• Value: 7
• Taste: 4
• Overall: 4.0

The Ugly American

The Ugly American
1100 South Front St.
Philadelphia, PA 19147
(215) 336-1100










Cheddar Nachos

Refried beans, pickled jalapenos, red chili sour cream, honey poblano sauce.
Add chili $1 add chicken $3

Price: $8.00


You may be asking yourself, "What the fuck are on those nachos? Radishes???" Or you may be asking yourself, "Why are there fucking radishes on those nachos?" At one time I was like you. At one time I was asking those same questions, but with my skeptical soulless eyes and some unintentional lip movement. If I was just 40 years older and grayer, and delightfully stereotypical, I may have even said, "Why, I never!" It's true though - I never. I never had radishes on nachos, and if history has taught me anything (which it hasn't), most likely I never will again. It should be obvious to my enlightened readers that I am not a fan of radishes, but after this excursion the world has certainly become a little less repulsive. To my surprise they were perfectly delicious and absolutely befitting to this particular nacho concoction.    

 Radishes: less repugnant than you think.

It was originally difficult to explain the impression left by these nachos. There were so many unique flavors assaulting our collective meat tongues we found it difficult to pinpoint what was happening. They were gooey yet chunky, mild yet spicy, salty but sweet. And like Keyser Söze they were there... (initiate poofy magical hand gesture) then they were gone. However, there was never any confusion regarding our enjoyment due to these dichotomies, only an originally complicated (then conclusively simple) appreciation of the piquancy. We absolutely loved them. After all was said and done, and eaten and digested, it was the sweetness that was the lasting impression; compliments of the honey poblano sauce. Very surprising considering how the menu description led me to believe these "cheddar nachos" were going to have more spice than Arrakis.      

• Presentation:7
• Assembly: 8
• Uniqueness: 7
• Value: 9
• Taste: 8
• Overall: 7.8

My Birthday Nachos

Kristan's Home
xxxx xxxxx St.
Philadelphia, PA 19115
(xxx) xxx-xxxx










Double-Decker Birthday Nachos

Oven Baked Snyder's of Hanover White Corn Tortilla Chips, Seasoned Beef, Re-fried Beans, Homemade Guacamole, Shredded Cheddar Cheese, Homemade Salsa, Jalapenos (only on half), two Dallops of Sour Cream, and Love.

Price: Free, or as I understand it, my eternal soul.


In case you missed the big news this week, it was my birthday. With the Miami Heat winning the NBA Finals, the Jerry Sandusky trial coming to an end, and the epically sad bus monitor incident I can understand how my birthday may have gotten lost in the shuffle. I forgive you. What's important is that you are here now... and that you forgive me for watching the video for Call Me Maybe by Carly Rae Jepsen earlier today. But, back to me and my birthday! I arrived at Kristan's house for my birthday dinner and was quickly greeted with this:  

Half ass-on-fire jalapenos, half savings in toilet paper. Pick a side and dive in.

I was then served a large chunk of nachos and was then greeted by this:  

Assembly. Assembly. Assembly.

Wow. Just... wow. From the first taste to the last gluttonous bite I was in nacho heaven. Have you ever ate nachos with TWO hands? I have now. I don't know if it was because I was just so hungry from a long day at work not eating nachos, or if they were just so damn heavy my weak wrists needed the additional support, or if I was willing to do what it takes to eat as much as I could (and as fast as I could) and leave nothing for Kristan. I was in it to win it. She knows what she was getting into when she agreed to go on a second date with me. Every ingredient was catered to my taste buds. Every layer was arranged to my liking. Every shred of cheese and every slice of jalapeno was planned and placed with love. I wish I could share them with the world.

• Presentation:10
• Assembly:10
• Uniqueness: 4
• Value:10 (due to the reasonable priced cost of zero dollars).
• Taste:10
• Overall: 8.8

KC's Alley

KC's Alley
10 West Butler Pike
Ambler, PA 19002
(215) 628-3300










Nachos

House Corn Tortilla Chips, Spicy Ground Beef or Cajun Chicken, Cheddar Cheese Sauce, Jalapenos, Banana Peppers, Pico de Gallo & Sour Cream

Price: $8.00


Consider this a review from the archives. The "archives" are what I like to refer to as a dark period of time between eating a platter of nachos, the drawn-out time not spent writing about said nachos, and today. Why does this happen? What causes these setbacks? I suppose in every hero's journey we must face certain challenges, yet overcome these challenges with the skills and knowledge accumulated on our treacherous adventure. What was the ordeal I experienced at KC's Alley? What crisis could have possibly made me question my calling and put everything I have learned to the ultimate test?

Mediocrity.

 My girlfriend always color coordinates her nail polish to my nachos.

That's it. Mediocrity is actually the Supreme Ordeal I must face, conquer, and triumphantly return from on my hero's quest whilst preventing others from suffering a similar fate. Mediocrity is a far more troublesome foe than inferiority. It is simple to revile awful nachos and even simpler to praise delectable ones. The ultimate test is actually the one that requires me to confront my fears, reflect on my journey, and write a nacho review that doesn't actually review nachos at all. That is the overwhelming power of mediocrity. It can paralyze you, steal your breath along with your words, and ultimately oppress ambition. However!, if I am successful in overcoming this trial my reward could be power. It could be knowledge or insight. It could even be the most sought after treasure on this great nacho quest: ad revenue.  

• Presentation:4
• Assembly:5
• Uniqueness: 2
• Value:5
• Taste: 5
• Overall: 4.2

Watkins Drinkery

Watkins Drinkery
1712 South 10th
Philadelphia, PA 19148
(215) 339-0175










Duck Molé Nachos

Oaxaca cheese, salsa verde, spicy black beans, house cut tortilla chips

Price: $9.95


As a friend of mine recently pointed out, and I wholeheartedly agree, I need to eat more nachos. More importantly, I need to enjoy more nachos of the local variety. Skip the corporate chain restaurants and re-discover the neighborhood flavors. Armed with a ten-spot, a passion for cheese, and a friend that illegally jams cell phones and is willing to eat a can of pig brains for fun, we ventured over to a local watering hole. Watkins Drinkery, which is just a few short blocks away from my nacho-less apartment, certainly has a claim to fame which made this excursion even more exciting.

Once the Duck Molé Nachos were ordered it only took T-minus half-a-beer for our meals to arrive. Honestly, it seems like it took more time to snap a picture of the nachos (due to the overly dim romantic lighting we were enjoying) than it did for them to materialize. I proceeded to take my first bite - distinctive and delicious! My second bite - tasteful and satisfying. By my third bite - enjoyable yet confusing. Something just wasn't right. Everything worked well enough on it's own, but just wasn't working together as a whole. It was the Westeros of nachos. All the flavors were competing, but there was nothing to bind them together as a single entity. There was the tang of the salsa verde, the cluster of succulent duck, the dribble of warm and mild Oaxaca cheese, the "spicy black beans" distributed around the platter, and the slightly salty tortilla chips. Sounds wonderful, right? Right?     

• Presentation: 4
• Assembly: 4
• Uniqueness: 7
• Value:6
• Taste: 6
• Overall: 5.4

Race Street Cafe

Race Street Cafe
208 Race St
Philadelphia, PA 19106
(215) 627-6181









Nachos

Melted cheeses, pico de gallo, sour cream and guacamole

Price: $8.00
Add Pulled Pork: $10.00
Add Chili: $11.00


Consolation nachos. Unfortunately, the Race Street Cafe Nachos were simply consolation nachos. They came into my life after plans fell apart due to circumstances beyond anyone's control - Arden Theater season ticket holding elders with nothing else to do except slooowly get in my way and ruin my night. So there I was, with no play to attend and a need to fill the newly formed void in my heart/stomach. It was suggested that my girlfriend and I try the Race Street Cafe which was just a couple of blocks away. Only there could we drown our sorrows in beer and melted cheeses.

Obviously I decided to order the nachos with the pulled pork topping because I would be fucking crazy not to, right? I can't be certain if it was the sorrow in my stomach that desperately needed to be filled, the sudden yet beautiful Spring weather that had the entire community whistling a single chipper tune in harmony, or the fucking pulled pork but these nachos went from "consolation nachos" to "fortuitous nachos" in just a couple bites. Even though the pulled pork wasn't noticeably marinated (in BBQ as I was peckishly expecting), it certainly added a uniqueness sorely missing from many recent nacho excursions. Ultimately, an unexpected undergoing of nacho nutriment complete with invigorating ingredients and tasty toppings - worthy of alliterations aplenty, indeed.

• Presentation: 7
• Assembly: 6
• Uniqueness: 5
• Value: 6
• Taste: 7
• Overall: 6.2

Uno Chicago Grill

Uno Chicago Grill
801 Neshaminy Mall
Bensalem, PA 19020
(215) 322-6003









Muchos Nachos

Tortilla chips, tomato salsa, beef chili, cheddar, mozzarella, jalapenos and sour cream

Price: $9.99

Add house-made guacamole .99


Uno Chicago Grill (formerly Pizzeria Uno), or more informally known as Unos, is the title for a franchised pizzeria restaurant chain under the parent company Uno Restaurant Holdings Corporation. Thank you Wikipedia for this confusing history lesson! If Unos put as much thought into their nacho platter as they do into naming and renaming their business I might have something delicious to blog about. Unfortunately, this will not be the case. With more than 7,300 restaurants in city of Chicago, Uno Chicago Grill is regrettably the only one that has made the great and historical journey into my digestive system.

Now, I must admit that the Chicago Classic Deep Dish 9 Grain Pizza we ordered was as damn good as it damn sounds. But we are not here to talk about pizza, are we? We are here to talk about nachos. With this "Muchos Nachos" platter we once again run into a situation where convention is king: No surprises were uncovered, no ingredients were atypical and no chances were taken. As stated before, I know large chain restaurants are generally not a breeding ground for originality, but it is still possible to find that authorized-diamond in the corporate-rough. All the ingredients were "good," all the flavors were "fine," and I certainly did not regret polishing off the entire platter of nachos. However, I certainly wouldn't recommend them to my mother in a letter I spent time writing on a quite Sunday afternoon.

• Presentation: 5
• Assembly: 4
• Uniqueness: 3
• Value: 5
• Taste: 5
• Overall: 4.4

Mad Mex

Mad Mex
2862 W Moreland Rd
Willow Grove, PA 19090
(267) 495-5000









Nachos Grande

A mountain of our fresh tortilla chips with melted Montery Jack cheese, jalapeno peppers, black beans, guacamole, salsa and sour cream. Add chicken, steak or taco beef for $1.95.

Price: $8.50


To enjoy this uninspired review for this uninspired platter please use the Google Translator for comedic purposes: En el extremo oscuro de Mad Mex es donde nos encontramos. Ubicado en el resto de los que normalmente saludables tonos de la piel los clientes que se encuentran tres viejos amigos, una conversación que van desde el significado de Donnie Darko a los beneficios del vinagre de manzana, y este nido de ratas de nachos. Tal vez sea más apropiado comparar los nachos a la de una tela de araña gigante que los grupos enganchadas de los chips de tortilla, trozos de chiles jalapeños, y grupos de crema agria. En última instancia, se parecía más a una jaula de hámster que no se ha limpiado en 2 meses y tiene pequeños pedazos de mierda de frijol negro por todo el lugar.

Realmente es una lástima que un lugar llamado Mad Mex tenía un plato por debajo del par de nachos. La parte más emocionante estaba tocando el plato caliente con el dedo. Los tres de nosotros queríamos disfrutar de estos nachos, mal, pero al final fue la cerveza y las alas que pegó la noche juntos. la imagen granulada por encima de la perfección y, por desgracia captura el sabor, la presentación y la memoria de este mediocre disco de Nacho.

• Presentation: 3
• Assembly: 4
• Uniqueness: 3
• Value: 3
• Taste: 3
• Overall: 3.2

Buffalo Wild Wings

Buffalo Wild Wings
9701 Roosevelt Blvd
Philadelphia, PA 19114
(215) 552-0025









Ultimate Nachos

Step up to the plate. Chili, pico de gallo, shredded lettuce, jalapenos, queso and salsa all atop a mound of fresh, corn tortilla chips.

Price: $8.19

with chicken $9.19


Whenever I stroll into a sports bar I typically feel out of my element. In a land of flat screen TVs, chicken wings, and latterly-bought jerseys the only constant consolation I can rely on is nachos. Whether they are called "Grand Slam Nachos," or "Hat Trick Nachos," or even "The Immaculate Nachos," I know what to expect. Unfortunately, that which I expect is generally a mediocre nacho appetizer. Buffalo Wild Wings did not disappoint as I "stepped up to the plate."

When I saw "Ultimate Nachos" listed in the menu I certainly didn't think that my quest is finally over and I can go back to my life as a mild-mannered nerd. However, I do think there should be more than a couple of handfuls of chips dropped in a basket with some vegetable garnish thrown on top. The chili and cheese that were used to bind this appetizer together were actually more boring than a quite evening in watching curling. In fact, the cheese was so fascinatingly nondescript that this is the actual transcript between my girlfriend and I as I was first tasting it:

Kristan: Baby, I am so happy to be with you. I love you.
Faust: What kind of cheese is this???

Seriously.

So, I suggest that Buffalo Wild Wings change the name of the platter to "Roberto De Vicenzo Nachos" because golf is the most boring sport in the world and I fucking hate it. See, every sports bar should be required to brand their platters with hackneyed sports puns that best represent those platters. Then, and only then, will I fill more comfortable at these establishments.

• Presentation: 4
• Assembly: 3
• Uniqueness: 4
• Value: 3
• Taste: 4
• Overall: 3.6

Chili's Bar & Grill

Chili's Bar & Grill
2320 West Oregon Ave
Philadelphia, PA 19145
(215) 468-3757









Classic Nachos

With melted cheese, jalapenos, beans, queso and a hint of seasoned beef. Served with house-made pico de gallo and sour cream.

Price:

Large: $7.89
Regular $6.29

Add chicken or fajita beef
Large: $9.89
Regular: $8.29

Add guacamole for .99c


Faust: Whoa. Déjà vu.
Trinity: What did you just say?
Faust: Nothing. Just had a little déjà vu.
Trinity: What did you see?
Cypher: What happened?
Faust: I once ate a platter of nachos at TGI Friday, and then another that looked just like it at Chili's.
Trinity: How much like it? Was it the same nachos?
Faust: It might have been. I'm not sure.
Morpheus: Switch! Apoc!
Faust: What is it?
Trinity: A déjà vu is usually a glitch in the Matrix. It happens when they change something.

After my wonderful nacho experience at TGI Friday I was actually looking forward to eating nachos at other large chain restaurants while admiring all the "interesting" flea market finds plastered across the walls. Well, be careful what you wish for. This platter was almost an exact replica of the TGIF nacho platter, but smaller. Now, this certainly isn't a bad thing, it's just the same thing, even with all the options listed above. I was hoping to find something a little more exclusive and unique from a massive corporate restaurant chain. Oh, wait. Now I see the error in my judgement...

Nothing says "corporate" more than an ice cream scoop of guacamole!

• Presentation: 7
• Assembly: 8
• Uniqueness: 3
• Value: 7
• Taste: 8
• Overall: 6.6