Longhorn Steakhouse

Longhorn Steakhouse
Address Withheld to Protect
the Innocent/Awesome
(215) xxx-xxxx









BBQ Braised Beef Nachos

Golden brown nacho chips topped with melted cheeses, jalapeno peppers, and BBQ braised beef with a lovely side of sour cream.

Price: Priceless


Having my own nacho blog has not only brought me fame and fortune, but perks I never would have dreamed of in my previous life as a "paying customer." Through various connections and powerful friends I was treated to a non-menu nacho platter at a local Longhorn Steakhouse. I didn't know what to expect since Longhorn doesn't normally list nachos in their menu, so what do they know about food? Word on the street was these were "special" nachos though. So special in fact, that I had to indulge myself under the cover of high noon on one of their busiest days of the year - New Years Eve. Yes, not only was this a highly covert operation as to protect the Manager, but it would also be my final appreciation of nachos for 2011. I am very proud to state that this mission was a gigantic success and Longhorn Steakhouse is a force to be reckoned with.

Part of the beauty of this platter was actually the shear simplicity of it. Less is more my friends...less is more. Chips, cheese, jalapenos, sour cream, and the most ridiculously tender chunks of beef I shouldn't even attempt making a pun over- but let's try anyway. These succulent chunks of whiskey BBQ braised beef were more tender than an open gunshot wound. They were more tender than a puppy and a kitten napping together. Hell, they were more tender than a $100,000 bill. Longhorn (as people in the know refer to them as) also played to my nacho sensibilities by noting that there were actually TWO layers to this platter to keep the calorie train rolling to Flavor Town with no local stops. All around an amazing meal, prepared by an fantastic chef, and bequeathed by a great Manager.

A perfect way to end the year, so thank you.

• Presentation: 7
• Assembly: 9
• Uniqueness:6
• Value: 10 (I would have gladly paid upwards of $12.95 for this)
• Taste: 10
• Overall: 8.4

Brickhouse Bar and Grille / Steve's Pizzeria and Restaurant

Brickhouse Bar and Grille/Steve's Pizzeria and Restaurant
3334 Grant Ave
Philadelphia, PA 19114(215) 677-0191







Nachos

(add ground beef $2.00 more)

Price: $7.95


Batman and Robin! Gin and Tonic! Bert and Ernie! Abbot and Costello! Brickhouse Bar and Grille and Steve's Pizzeria and Restaurant? Um, ok. There have been many famous doublets throughout history, unfortunately BBaGaSPaR is not one of them. My theory is for every "and" you add to your name or call sign you decrease the effectiveness of your brand. Take Run-DMC and Jam Master Jay. Three Gods and one "and." Perfect.

So, now that the stage has been set let's actually talk about nachos. One would normally think that the combined powers of a Bar/Grille/Pizzeria/Restaurant would create the conclusive nacho platter not only for this blog, but for all of humanity. One would also have lost this bet. When the nachos were being delivered to my table my eyes went from "wide-open" to "Skeptical Hippo" (Google it). I have never seen such a painfully bland looking platter of nachos in my life. What the nachos lacked in any hint of color certainly didn't make up in taste either. What is truly unfortunate is that this meal held a surprise that would ultimately be squandered. I'm talking about "Assembly." Every chip all the way to the bottom of the plate had something on it. Whether it was the indeterminable flavor of the watered down cheese, the oddly gray "ground beef" that simply added texture and not taste, or the red-like tomatoes hidden throughout the platter, every chip was a flavorless blast to your tongue. Thankfully the side cup of salsa brought something to the party - color and taste. So, thank you Frito Lay for saving the day.

As for BBaGaSPaR they have a lot to think about. Perhaps they would be better off getting a divorce, plastering up that hole in the wall connecting their businesses and going their separate ways. It may not be that bad. Not every duo is meant to work: Tom & Jerry. Romeo & Juliet. John & Yoko. George W Bush and Presidency. I see what I did there!

• Presentation: 3
• Assembly: 8
• Uniqueness:3
• Value: 4
• Taste: 4
• Overall: 4.4

Las Margaritas

Las Margaritas
2538-40 Welsh Rd
Philadelphia, PA 19152
(215) 969-6600









Nachos Grande

Large nachos topped with melted cheese, ground beef or shredded chicken, refried beans, sour cream, guacamole, shredded lettuce, tomatoes, jalapeno peppers and pico de gallo.

Price: $10.95


Nothing says Thanksgiving and bringing in a good harvest like ordering a giant plate of nachos at a full-blown Mexican restaurant. So, I give thanks to the waiter for telling me not to touch the hot plate while wearing oven mitts... and then immediately touching the hot plate. I give thanks to the chef that must have used a shovel like a scalpel when creating this heaping masterpiece of food. Seriously, pound for pound this platter could take down Manny Pacquiao in one round. I give thanks to the decorative sour cream which brings some much needed attention to this unsung nacho hero. I give thanks to the gaggle of girls sitting next to me that looked into my eyes like I was about to make the biggest mistake of my life for ordering this entree (yes, this was my meal). They made me realize how important my work really is. I also give thanks to the seasoned cow (not chicken) that made this platter all it could be. From the plate up, every ingredient tasted a little better at Las Margaritas.

Unfortunately, I wasn't able to finish. But no one man could.

• Presentation: 8
• Assembly: 6
• Uniqueness:4
• Value: 8
• Taste: 8
• Overall: 6.8

The Blackstone Grill

The Blackstone Grill
15 Union St
Boston, MA 02108
(617) 369-6711









Nachos

{jalapenos, black olives, scallions, salsa, sour cream}

Price: $9.95


Things to experience while visiting the great city of Boston: Fenway Park, Sam Adams Brewery, Cheers, Boston Common, Newbury St, The Freedom Trail, and numerous other cultural, historical and social events and activities that are in constant rotation. Now, the only thing you should not do while in Boston is order nachos at The Blackstone Grill. I would recommend that you walk around Boston Common wearing NY Yankees gear from head to toe while burning a Ted Williams jersey first. I would ask that you visit Bunker Hill and let out a hardy laugh. I would rather you burn down the Paul Revere House before ever ordering this Boston Massacre of nachos. Seriously, just look at the picture. Hell, look at the menu description! I'm pretty sure that burning a bunch of chips and dumping a jar of salsa on top to cover it up is technically nachos, but that is like comparing Jack Lemmon to Donnie Wahlberg. Technically, they are both actors (from Boston). Nailed it.

• Presentation: 1
• Assembly: 1
• Uniqueness: 2
• Value: 2
• Taste: 3
• Overall: 1.8

Chickie's & Pete's

Chickie's & Pete's 
Parx Casino
2999 Street Rd
Bensalem, PA 19020
(267) 525-7333





Cheesesteak Nachos

Crispy tortilla chips covered with cheesesteak, black olives, sliced cherry peppers, sour cream, salsa, guacamole, and our famous cheese sauce.

Price: $12.00


Chickie's & Pete's and I have a very tumultuous relationship. Their food is amazing. The atmosphere is palpable. Their name is legendary. Unfortunately, their famous cheese sauce gives me severe cramps and eventually diarrhea. Yes, you read that right. Not exactly the forum I would have preferred to disclose this bit of information, but I wanted to express my absolute love and adoration for their famous cheese sauce and what I am willing to go through for my "art." I also wanted to paint a picture of how incredibly tense I was while waiting for my nachos... and the inevitable. The cheesesteak topping was definitely a tasty touch. Surprisingly, it was the first time I ever ate cheesesteak on nachos (considering I live in Philly). The sides were standard fare, but as you can see from the picture I told them to hold the black olives. Seriously, fuck black olives. Ultimately, a worthy meal. And in case you are wondering how I made out on the long trip home, perhaps it will remain a mystery...

Or send me an e-mail and ask!

• Presentation: 6
• Assembly: 5
• Uniqueness: 6
• Value: 7
• Taste: 8
• Overall: 6.4

T.G.I. Friday's

T.G.I. Friday's
501 Washington St
Indianapolis, IN 46204
(317) 685-8443









Friday's Tostado Nachos

Crispy tortillas loaded with refried beans, seasoned ground beef and melted cheese. Served with salsa, sour cream and guacamole and topped with spicy jalapenos.

Price: $9.89


One would not expect to find such a glorious nacho platter at a chain restaurant. Especially Friday's. Friday's, who are known for their "I sometimes wish I had friends and family like that" commercials, is not a place I would consider having quality food. Just quantity. However, not only are these nachos a meal unto them self, this platter is actually 8 individually topped nacho chips fully loaded with all of my favorite ingredients with the lettuce cast off to the side (actually the middle as a ridiculous garnish). Practically a miracle in taste and value.

• Presentation: 7
• Assembly: 8
• Uniqueness:6
• Value: 9
• Taste: 9
• Overall: 7.8

Ruby Tuesdays (and other chain restaurants with crazy crap on the walls) - you are now on my radar.

AMC Neshaminy 24

AMC Neshaminy 24
3900 Rockhill Dr
Bensalem, PA 19120
(215) 396-8050









Movie Nachos

Since there isn't an exact description on the AMC food board menu that could make these nachos sound any less generic, here is some info you wish you didn't know:

Calories	1108	Sodium	1720 mg
Total Fat	59 g	Potassium	40 mg
Saturated	19 g	Total Carbs	132 g
Polyunsaturated	0 g	Dietary Fiber	8 g
Monounsaturated	0 g	Sugars	1 g
Trans	0 g	Protein	25 g
Cholesterol	58 mg
Vitamin A	0%	Calcium	280%
Vitamin C	0%	Iron	0%

Price: $7.00. Then darkness...


So, Frito Lay teamed up with AMC to bring you this delicious movie theater nacho experience at a very reasonable price (italic font = too much sarcasm) . Even though these nachos are the most overly simplistic, mass produced and tasteless foodstuff you can ever imagine overpaying for, I feel compelled to order them every single time I go see a shitty movie about super heroes, fast cars, or anything starring Nicolas Cage (preferably a combination of all three).

This box-o-nachos has to be laced with some sort of amnesia-inducing agent which is the only sensible reason for me to order them on a regular basis. Perhaps the inordinate amount of salt is actually a sodium chloride conspiracy conducted by a shadowy government agency with the intention of fattening up the American populace to make us more more obedient, less perceptive, and perpetuate the pharmaceutical industry? Okay, maybe my mom was right and I do go to the movies a little too often. Therefore, I will concede that it is more likely that any living organism ingesting this volume of salt in one sitting simply destroys all brain cells related to long term memory (when being ingested within a running time of 90 minutes or less, of course).

• Presentation: 2
• Assembly: 3
• Uniqueness: 1
• Value: 1
• Taste: 2
• Overall: 1.8

Nick's Roast Beef

Nick's Roast Beef
2212 Cottman Ave
Philadelphia, PA 19149
(215) 745-1292









Nachos Supreme

There wasn't a description listed in the menu, but this "Nachos Supreme" platter was lumped between Hot Nachos (strangely enough is what my girlfriend said you will shit out afterward as well) and Buffalo Wings. Odd? Yes. I would certainly say so considering the presentation of this platter.

Price: $6.99


These nachos are a staple for the monthly "boys-night-out" with my old (literally and figurati... literally) high school friends. Why? Not only do they have an extremely high fat content (and therefor taste heavenly), but the chips are actually in a separate basket. This certainly helps me to not throw up while watching four guys repeatedly stick their spit covered fingers into my cheesy nacho dinner. What is truly unique about this nacho platter is the fried edible nacho bowl that has a wonderful texture unto itself. I have to imagine the bulk of the nacho toppings within said bowl are just leftover taco filling recycled from unfinished meals. Smothered in cheese. Still, nice.

• Presentation: 7
• Assembly: 6
• Uniqueness:7
• Value: 8
• Taste: 6
• Overall: 6.8

New Boulevard Diner

New Boulevard Diner
11650 Roosevelt Blvd
Philadelphia, PA 19116
(215) 676-0797

Loaded Nachos
Piled high with Melted Cheeses, Chili, Diced Tomatoes, Jalapeno Peppers, Shredded Lettuce, Sour Cream & Salsa
Price: $7.50

Let's face it, what can one really expect from a diner other than an excellent slice of scrapple? Well, that and gravelly-voiced waitresses of course. The “Melted Cheeses” were probably individually wrapped slices of orange Kraft Singles. The salsa may have come from a large nondescript tin can stolen from the Good Will drop-off. Personally, I enjoy Tostito’s Restaurant Style Salsa and would have preferred it over this incredibly generic tasting tasteless-salsa. And finally, I’m pretty sure those are bloody finger prints around the circumference of my plate. Perhaps the cook cut his finger whilst shredding my wilted lettuce. Not exactly the way I would have preferred to start off this blog, but that can only mean better days are ahead...

• Presentation: 2
• Assembly: 2
• Uniqueness: 3
• Value: 2
• Taste: 2
• Overall: 2.2