My Birthday Nachos

Kristan's Home
xxxx xxxxx St.
Philadelphia, PA 19115
(xxx) xxx-xxxx










Double-Decker Birthday Nachos

Oven Baked Snyder's of Hanover White Corn Tortilla Chips, Seasoned Beef, Re-fried Beans, Homemade Guacamole, Shredded Cheddar Cheese, Homemade Salsa, Jalapenos (only on half), two Dallops of Sour Cream, and Love.

Price: Free, or as I understand it, my eternal soul.


In case you missed the big news this week, it was my birthday. With the Miami Heat winning the NBA Finals, the Jerry Sandusky trial coming to an end, and the epically sad bus monitor incident I can understand how my birthday may have gotten lost in the shuffle. I forgive you. What's important is that you are here now... and that you forgive me for watching the video for Call Me Maybe by Carly Rae Jepsen earlier today. But, back to me and my birthday! I arrived at Kristan's house for my birthday dinner and was quickly greeted with this:  

Half ass-on-fire jalapenos, half savings in toilet paper. Pick a side and dive in.

I was then served a large chunk of nachos and was then greeted by this:  

Assembly. Assembly. Assembly.

Wow. Just... wow. From the first taste to the last gluttonous bite I was in nacho heaven. Have you ever ate nachos with TWO hands? I have now. I don't know if it was because I was just so hungry from a long day at work not eating nachos, or if they were just so damn heavy my weak wrists needed the additional support, or if I was willing to do what it takes to eat as much as I could (and as fast as I could) and leave nothing for Kristan. I was in it to win it. She knows what she was getting into when she agreed to go on a second date with me. Every ingredient was catered to my taste buds. Every layer was arranged to my liking. Every shred of cheese and every slice of jalapeno was planned and placed with love. I wish I could share them with the world.

• Presentation:10
• Assembly:10
• Uniqueness: 4
• Value:10 (due to the reasonable priced cost of zero dollars).
• Taste:10
• Overall: 8.8

KC's Alley

KC's Alley
10 West Butler Pike
Ambler, PA 19002
(215) 628-3300










Nachos

House Corn Tortilla Chips, Spicy Ground Beef or Cajun Chicken, Cheddar Cheese Sauce, Jalapenos, Banana Peppers, Pico de Gallo & Sour Cream

Price: $8.00


Consider this a review from the archives. The "archives" are what I like to refer to as a dark period of time between eating a platter of nachos, the drawn-out time not spent writing about said nachos, and today. Why does this happen? What causes these setbacks? I suppose in every hero's journey we must face certain challenges, yet overcome these challenges with the skills and knowledge accumulated on our treacherous adventure. What was the ordeal I experienced at KC's Alley? What crisis could have possibly made me question my calling and put everything I have learned to the ultimate test?

Mediocrity.

 My girlfriend always color coordinates her nail polish to my nachos.

That's it. Mediocrity is actually the Supreme Ordeal I must face, conquer, and triumphantly return from on my hero's quest whilst preventing others from suffering a similar fate. Mediocrity is a far more troublesome foe than inferiority. It is simple to revile awful nachos and even simpler to praise delectable ones. The ultimate test is actually the one that requires me to confront my fears, reflect on my journey, and write a nacho review that doesn't actually review nachos at all. That is the overwhelming power of mediocrity. It can paralyze you, steal your breath along with your words, and ultimately oppress ambition. However!, if I am successful in overcoming this trial my reward could be power. It could be knowledge or insight. It could even be the most sought after treasure on this great nacho quest: ad revenue.  

• Presentation:4
• Assembly:5
• Uniqueness: 2
• Value:5
• Taste: 5
• Overall: 4.2

Watkins Drinkery

Watkins Drinkery
1712 South 10th
Philadelphia, PA 19148
(215) 339-0175










Duck Molé Nachos

Oaxaca cheese, salsa verde, spicy black beans, house cut tortilla chips

Price: $9.95


As a friend of mine recently pointed out, and I wholeheartedly agree, I need to eat more nachos. More importantly, I need to enjoy more nachos of the local variety. Skip the corporate chain restaurants and re-discover the neighborhood flavors. Armed with a ten-spot, a passion for cheese, and a friend that illegally jams cell phones and is willing to eat a can of pig brains for fun, we ventured over to a local watering hole. Watkins Drinkery, which is just a few short blocks away from my nacho-less apartment, certainly has a claim to fame which made this excursion even more exciting.

Once the Duck Molé Nachos were ordered it only took T-minus half-a-beer for our meals to arrive. Honestly, it seems like it took more time to snap a picture of the nachos (due to the overly dim romantic lighting we were enjoying) than it did for them to materialize. I proceeded to take my first bite - distinctive and delicious! My second bite - tasteful and satisfying. By my third bite - enjoyable yet confusing. Something just wasn't right. Everything worked well enough on it's own, but just wasn't working together as a whole. It was the Westeros of nachos. All the flavors were competing, but there was nothing to bind them together as a single entity. There was the tang of the salsa verde, the cluster of succulent duck, the dribble of warm and mild Oaxaca cheese, the "spicy black beans" distributed around the platter, and the slightly salty tortilla chips. Sounds wonderful, right? Right?     

• Presentation: 4
• Assembly: 4
• Uniqueness: 7
• Value:6
• Taste: 6
• Overall: 5.4

Race Street Cafe

Race Street Cafe
208 Race St
Philadelphia, PA 19106
(215) 627-6181









Nachos

Melted cheeses, pico de gallo, sour cream and guacamole

Price: $8.00
Add Pulled Pork: $10.00
Add Chili: $11.00


Consolation nachos. Unfortunately, the Race Street Cafe Nachos were simply consolation nachos. They came into my life after plans fell apart due to circumstances beyond anyone's control - Arden Theater season ticket holding elders with nothing else to do except slooowly get in my way and ruin my night. So there I was, with no play to attend and a need to fill the newly formed void in my heart/stomach. It was suggested that my girlfriend and I try the Race Street Cafe which was just a couple of blocks away. Only there could we drown our sorrows in beer and melted cheeses.

Obviously I decided to order the nachos with the pulled pork topping because I would be fucking crazy not to, right? I can't be certain if it was the sorrow in my stomach that desperately needed to be filled, the sudden yet beautiful Spring weather that had the entire community whistling a single chipper tune in harmony, or the fucking pulled pork but these nachos went from "consolation nachos" to "fortuitous nachos" in just a couple bites. Even though the pulled pork wasn't noticeably marinated (in BBQ as I was peckishly expecting), it certainly added a uniqueness sorely missing from many recent nacho excursions. Ultimately, an unexpected undergoing of nacho nutriment complete with invigorating ingredients and tasty toppings - worthy of alliterations aplenty, indeed.

• Presentation: 7
• Assembly: 6
• Uniqueness: 5
• Value: 6
• Taste: 7
• Overall: 6.2

Uno Chicago Grill

Uno Chicago Grill
801 Neshaminy Mall
Bensalem, PA 19020
(215) 322-6003









Muchos Nachos

Tortilla chips, tomato salsa, beef chili, cheddar, mozzarella, jalapenos and sour cream

Price: $9.99

Add house-made guacamole .99


Uno Chicago Grill (formerly Pizzeria Uno), or more informally known as Unos, is the title for a franchised pizzeria restaurant chain under the parent company Uno Restaurant Holdings Corporation. Thank you Wikipedia for this confusing history lesson! If Unos put as much thought into their nacho platter as they do into naming and renaming their business I might have something delicious to blog about. Unfortunately, this will not be the case. With more than 7,300 restaurants in city of Chicago, Uno Chicago Grill is regrettably the only one that has made the great and historical journey into my digestive system.

Now, I must admit that the Chicago Classic Deep Dish 9 Grain Pizza we ordered was as damn good as it damn sounds. But we are not here to talk about pizza, are we? We are here to talk about nachos. With this "Muchos Nachos" platter we once again run into a situation where convention is king: No surprises were uncovered, no ingredients were atypical and no chances were taken. As stated before, I know large chain restaurants are generally not a breeding ground for originality, but it is still possible to find that authorized-diamond in the corporate-rough. All the ingredients were "good," all the flavors were "fine," and I certainly did not regret polishing off the entire platter of nachos. However, I certainly wouldn't recommend them to my mother in a letter I spent time writing on a quite Sunday afternoon.

• Presentation: 5
• Assembly: 4
• Uniqueness: 3
• Value: 5
• Taste: 5
• Overall: 4.4