Jimmy Buffett's Air Margaritaville

Jimmy Buffett's Air Margaritaville: 
Montego Bay  
Sangster Int'l Airport
876 Montego Bay
St. James, Jamaica
(876) 952-4777






Nachos

From the Menu: Crispy corn tortilla chips with cheese, tomatoes, scallions, jalapenos, sour cream and salsa.

Price: $14.95

Add guacamole: $3.95


For the full effect of this review please play this song in the background.

Let's immediately not cut to the chase. When I was resorting in Jamaica this summer, hanging out with some great friends, I wanted to eat nachos somewhere... anywhere. Surely this would be a once in a lifetime treat! However, my selection was extremely limited due to the inclusion (aka very thick high walls) of the resort I was practically squatting at. I certainly couldn't leave the complex and wonder the Jamaican dirt roads, asking locals where I could procure nachos to rate for my blog, could I? That answer is simply and undeniably, "No." So, on the day I was leaving Jamaica I found myself in the airport making one last-ditch effort to enjoy Caribbean nachos at Jimmy Buffett's Air Margaritaville. Why the fuck not? He's Jimmy Buffet and is the epitome of the Caribbean lifestyle, right?

Vice President Larry David knows nachos, right?

Through my research to learn more about Jimmy Buffett prior to writing this blog I realized how little I actually knew about Jimmy Buffet. Let me ask you this: How many songs do you know by Jimmy Buffett? Probably just the 1, but maybe 2 at the most? What do you really know about the man except that he is a singer-songwriter? If he was walking down the street would you recognize him? If you were able to confidently answer any of these questions instead of my expected open-mouth silence then you are probably a "Parrothead." And for that I'm truly sorry, so close your browser and have a shitty life. I can never unhear "Math Sucks."

"If life gives you limes, make margaritas." - Jimmy Buffett

Now, I knew from the menu description I wasn't going to get those unique Caribbean nachos I was hoping for. That saddened me, but it is my fault for not utilizing the beach-dwelling locals back at the resort. Perhaps nachos were actually further down on the list of goods they would try to sell me on a nightly basis. Anyway, as I dove into the top layer of my nachos I knew I was slated for further regret because they were fucking soggy. This is not a good sign considering I still had the entire pail to go. It's like eating a sandwich but the condiments turn the bread into that delicious mouth-watering mush - I do not abide. Apart from this rookie nacho blunder by the cook, the guacamole was so painfully average I had to wash it down with the most Jamaican part of this meal: my Red Stripe beer. Well, I tried to power through as much of the nachos as I could, but even with my girlfriend's help we left at least half in the can. Regrettably, cheese cannot fix everything. I was just wasting time and money at Margaritaville. I guess you could say it was my own damn fault.

In closing, fuck you Jimmy Buffett for making me use that pun.

• Presentation: 8
• Assembly: 4
• Uniqueness: 3
• Value: 2 
• Taste: 3
• Overall: 4.0

Maracas

Maracas
155 S Canyon Dr
Palm Springs, CA 92262
(760) 322-9654











The Original Macho Gabacho Nachos

From the Menu: Homemade tortilla chips, ranchero sauce, refried beans and melted mixed cheese topped with sour cream, Pico de Gallo and our famous guacamole. 

Price: $8.95

Add: Chicken $10.95   Steak $10.95


Like the great Gold Rush in 1849, I too traveled to California in search of gold. Nacho Gold. With almost zero violent run-ins with Native Americans this year around, I found myself wandering the streets panning menus in search of that nacho nugget that would change my life forever. And like the 49'ers of that era, I ran into my own share of devastating issues: blazing heat and a music variety consisting of nothing but Red Hot Chili Peppers albums. It was rough. But through everything, and despite everything I endured, I found Maracas.

Gold as far as the eye can see...

This place knows how to do nachos. I actually spoke to the manager and thanked him afterwards. Seriously. The first thing I must point out is how large the plate is (the pictures simply don't do it justice). My best guesstimate is that the platter was 2 to 9 feet long, but I can't be sure. Secondly, the mixed cheeses were perfectly melted atop the crispy golden chips. Perfect tinge, perfect texturing, perfect temperature and taste. Each bite was a cheesy masterpiece. The sour cream and Pico de Gallo were well received by my taste buds, but the guacamole was simply outstanding (creamy and chunky!). I always welcome fresh house-made guacamole with open arms and an open mouth. Thank you maracas for restoring my faith in simple, yet remarkably tasty nachos. My journey can continue...   

• Presentation: 9
• Assembly: 8
• Uniqueness: 3
• Value: 9
• Taste: 9
• Overall: 7.6

Miller's Ale House

Miller's Ale House
9495 Roosevelt Blvd
Philadelphia, PA 19115
(215) 464-8349











Fiesta Nachos

From the Menu: Crispy Tortilla Chips Layered with Fresh Ground Beef Simmered in Ancho Chili Seasoning, Pico de Gallo and Jalapenos. Smothered in Jack & Cheddar Cheeses, then Melted until Bubbling. Topped with Sour Cream and Guacamole.  

Price: $8.99


Valentine's Day. Her. Me. A bottle of red wine. A celebration of us. Nachos were in the air. And sadly, like many tales of love this one ended in bitter tragedy. From the very first moment we met my eyes were fixated, and I knew any relationship that started out this hot would soon grow cold and devolve into a complicated mess. Sure, there were some good times, but nothing I haven't experienced before. With all that was promised I can't help but feel frustrated by the reality of deceit and disappointment. But life is a journey of discovery, isn't it?

We should all realize I'm talking about the Fiesta Nachos by now, right?

“And he hated himself and hated her, too, for the ruin they'd made of each other.”

I truly believe the "before & after" pics speak volumes about these nachos. There was very little there to hold my interest that was atypical. I would call these nachos "quintessential" but I concluded it is too ornamental a word for what I was served (even though they certainly were "everyday"). The chips were crispy on top yet soggy on the bottom. The pico de gallo, jalapenos, and sour cream were straight from the corporate can. Their version of guacamole was a commercialized recipe as not to offend anyone. The "Fresh Ground Beef Simmered in Ancho Chili Seasoning" sounded promising but barely registered a 35 on the Scoville scale for me. The Cheddar and Jack cheeses, usually a saving grace of any routine nacho platter, certainly was cheesy but couldn't pull it all together.

It's nachos like these that make me think of this famous quote:

"So it’s not gonna be easy. It’s gonna be really hard. We’re gonna have to work at this every day, but I want to do that because I want you. I want all of you, forever, you and me, every day…"
– Ryan Gosling, The Notebook

• Presentation: 7
• Assembly: 4
• Uniqueness: 2
• Value: 4
• Taste: 4
• Overall: 4.2

Tiffany Diner

Tiffany Diner
9010 Roosevelt Blvd.
Philadelphia, PA 19115
(215) 677-3916











Loaded Nachos

Tortilla chips with tomatoes, jalapeno peppers, black olives and Cheddar cheese with sour cream and salsa.  

Price: $6.29


Another day, another diner. Another breakfast for dinner and another dinner with nachos. I've always had certain expectations of diners which are universally satisfied in spades. The older waitress that calls me "hun" is expected. The obligatory "couple in a fight" that doesn't touch their food is always welcomed entertainment. That crazy (usually non-threatening) companion-less patron that sits in the far corner and mumbles just loud enough to offer a faint white noise is soothing. Of course excellent scrapple is a must and inferior neon yellow nachos are a guarantee. These are a few of my favorite things.

This picture is my review.
Symptoms of acute radiation syndrome include nausea and vomiting.

The obvious question then is, "why?" Why order nachos on a regular basis from a species of food establishments that I know will ultimately disappoint? Well, I think there are two answers. The first being, "I don't know. I'm a stupid." The second being, "What if this is the place? What if this is the diner that prepares spectacular nachos and I was too much of a smug asshole to give them a try?" These are the questions that keep me up at night while I count nacho chips jumping over a fence into my mouth. Needless to say (as showcased above), this was not that place. But, my quest will continue until the day I am that lonely weirdo mumbling about nachos in the corner booth hoping anyone will listen. 

• Presentation: 1
• Assembly: 3
• Uniqueness: 1
• Value: 2
• Taste: 2
• Overall: 1.8

Taco Bell

Taco Bell
514 Rt 38 Cherry Hill Mall
Cherry Hill, NJ 08002
(856) 663-6324











XXL Nachos

No description was available or necessary. They intrigued me with "LIMITED TIME." They then sealed the deal by simply promoting "OVER 1LB." Fuck.  

Steak: $6.49
Chicken $6.29
Beef $5.29
And add a large drink for only $1.00


There are two types of people in this world: Those who once ate at Taco Bell and those who eat at Taco Bell. I understand and respect both camps equally. More so, I respect any restaurant chain that can sell me on a menu item with no description of ingredients but clearly identifies the weight. This is an obvious indication that I am about to embark on a journey that will test my strength, question my girlfriend's choice of men, and ultimately allow me to self reflect in the bathroom mirror shortly thereafter.

1 lb of  delicious, camera-skake worthy, imminent diarrhea .

Some say less is more. Others think more is more. In this case more may be less, but less so more than you think. More shredded cheese would have been nice, while less liquid cheese goop would have been better. More steak was expected in the "XXL Nachos" weighing over 1 lb, but less time on the grill could have improved the "meat's" essence-of-steak taste. More salsa would have offered a welcomed shift in flavor and broke up the overall sandy-colored appearance, while less salt would have saved me a trip to the emergency room. Fundamentally, the more I ate the less I felt like a man, a nacho blogger and a member of the human species.

As Robert Browning wrote in his poem Andrea del Sarto: "Well, less is more, Lucrezia: I am judged."     

• Presentation:4
• Assembly: 4
• Uniqueness: 2
• Value: 6
• Taste: 4
• Overall: 4.0