Mad Mex

Mad Mex (take-out)
3401 Walnut St
Philadlephia, PA 19104
(215) 382-2221











Nachos Grande

A nearly unassailable chip mountain with cheese, jalapeño peppers, black beans, guacamole, salsa and sour cream. Add chicken, steak or taco beef for $1.95.

Price: $8.50


Once a year I purposely deprive myself of sleep for as long as possible, sit in an moderately uncomfortable chair, and watch ridiculously bad movies all in the name of fun. During the Exhumed 24 Hour Horror-thon held each October (more on this much delayed review later) my friends and I put on our most comfortable big-boy pants (of the sweat variety) and watch delightfully awful cinema for as long as humanly possible. We willingly deprive ourselves of such necessities as sunlight, clean air, unblemished underwear, nutrition, and state minimum personal welfare. Hence, my late night dinner (or maybe early morning breakfast) nachos hand delivered to me by my cinema cohorts.

Perfect for the entire family. Or me.

These nachos were not great. They weren't pretty. They weren't even warm. I suppose that is to be expected while eating take-out, on wire patio furniture, outdoors at an unknown hour, in late October. However, the one thing these nachos did do extremely well was fill the dietary hole in my stomach. The sheer mass of nacho ingredients outfitted in this tin was ungovernable. It was like a nacho cinder block. Even though these nachos were middle-of-the-road and mainstream I can certainly appreciate the quantity over quality attitude. At that moment, when I simply needed mass over substance, these nachos were there for me. I ate and I ate. Then I ate some more. Then there was a long period of time I don't remember and here we are today!  

So, as far as the delayed posting of this nacho feast I simply blame sleep deprivation and hysteria. It wasn't until this week that I stumbled upon these old camera pics that led to the flashbacks of congealed cheese, cramped knees and my renewed love of Tom Atkins in Halloween III: Season of the Witch.

• Presentation:4
• Assembly: 6
• Uniqueness: 3
• Value: 5
• Taste: 5
• Overall: 4.6

Shady Brook Farm

Shady Brook Farm
931 Stony Hill Rd
Yardley, PA 19067
(215) 968-1670










Nachos

Homemade Chili & Cheese

Price: $6.50


Pumpkin picking and haunted hayrides. Animal races complete with pigs named "Kevin Bacon" and "Lindsay Lo-ham". Corn mazes and monster trucks. Stroller parking lots. Random stacks of hay. Lost children. Lost fathers. Fathers pretending to be lost. Kettle corn made offsite to mimic fresh kettle corn made onsite. Pony rides and piles of shit. Glitter tattoo kiosks. A not-so haunted house. The "World Famous" pumpkin tree. False smiles and broken dreams. Bouncy castles not made for adults. Overpriced foodstuff. Theses are the things that make up the family couple's day afternoon of fun hell. All a man simply wants are nachos on days such as these.

The line of the damned.

So, obviously I made a terrible mistake believing these nachos would soothe my tattered soul. There really isn't much to say that already hasn't been vehemently slurred by a homeless man before. They were boring, overpriced, and took 15 to cobble together. Plus, I don't think "homemade chili" means what they think it means. Unless they think it means "borderline expired lukewarm Hormel canned chili." Then yes, they would be correct.

• Presentation: 2
• Assembly: 3
• Uniqueness: 2
• Value: 3
• Taste: 3
• Overall: 2.6

Watkins Drinkery, Part II: Nacho Boogaloo

Watkins Drinkery
1712 South 10th
Philadelphia, PA 19148
(215) 339-0175







Chinese Firecracker Nachos

Wild boar, fried wonton chips, napa cabbage slaw, sriracha

Price: $9.95


According to Wikipedia, "Nachos are a popular food based on nixtamalized corn, of Mexican origin associated with Tex-Mex cuisine that can be either made quickly to serve as a snack or prepared with more ingredients to make a full meal... Sometimes French fries, potato chips, or popcorn are used instead of tortilla chips." First off, reading the entire Wikipedia entry is more bland than the first nacho platter I reviewed on this site. Second, and more importantly, I had no idea that "French fries, potato chips, or popcorn" could officially be used instead of nixtamalized corn chips when creating a platter of nachos. Well, if Wikipedia says it's so (especially within the first couple sentences), I certainly feel more tolerant about the fried wonton chips used in these Chinese Firecracker Nachos.

Sike. I'm actually a delicious warthog.

For my loyal reader(s), you will notice that this is the second time I've visited Watkins Drinkery. Word on the streets of Philadelphia was that they recently changed their menu (which they will do multiple times a year) and unveiled a brand new nacho platter. So, of course I had to wrangle up the motley crew of nerds, order some pints and awkwardly sit at a group of tables right next to the bathroom AND kitchen for maximum "in-your-wayness". I am proud to announce on this blog that I have never had nachos like these before. The fried wonton chips made an excellent crispy foundation for the chunks of succulent wild boar. The sriracha sauce (a favorite for people with taste in condiments or without working taste buds) topped the crispy napa cabbage slaw which was sweet, sour and certainly something that would not work on any other nacho platter. Overall, a unconventional combination of popular (and semi-exotic) American Chinese flavors that I truly enjoyed. It may not be something I consider to be on the "comfort food" side of the nacho spectrum, but certainly a unique and tasty experience worthy of a lip smacking.      

• Presentation: 6
• Assembly: 6
• Uniqueness: 9
• Value: 7
• Taste: 8
• Overall: 7.2

The Grille

The Grille
502 Sunset Blvd.
Cape May Point, NJ 08212
(609) 898-9677










Loaded Nachos

A description wasn't available on the menu board, but the words "loaded" and "nachos" were good enough for me.

Price: $4.50


A great man once said, "Life moves pretty fast. If you don't stop and look around once in a while, you could miss it." Armed with this poignant quote, a trunk full of fishing rods, some wonderful friends, and an approved time-off request form, I headed for the shore. As an incredibly pasty white man that spends most of my time under a roof, I took all the necessary precautions to ensure a completely safe day at the beach: I immediately ordered nachos and used the lunch tray to shield myself from the devastatingly beautiful sunshine. And yes, the nachos did taste just a little better knowing my work e-mails went reply-less, my phone calls went answer-less, and my sanity was customer-less.

Lonely are the chips that are left behind.

Let me say that these nachos weren't the prettiest and certainly weren't the tastiest, but what they lacked in ingredient quality, taste, and aesthetics they made up in mass, value, and backdrop. Now, under normal circumstances I would never take issue with cheese. Cheese surrounds us and penetrates us; it binds the galaxy together. But, there is a limit to the amount of canned gelatinous cheese I can ingest and digest. When all is said in done, there was absolutely nothing wrong with enjoying sub-par beach nachos on a beautiful day with some close friends.

And fuck Ed Rooney.

• Presentation: 4
• Assembly: 3
• Uniqueness: 2
• Value: 7
• Taste: 4
• Overall: 4.0

The Ugly American

The Ugly American
1100 South Front St.
Philadelphia, PA 19147
(215) 336-1100










Cheddar Nachos

Refried beans, pickled jalapenos, red chili sour cream, honey poblano sauce.
Add chili $1 add chicken $3

Price: $8.00


You may be asking yourself, "What the fuck are on those nachos? Radishes???" Or you may be asking yourself, "Why are there fucking radishes on those nachos?" At one time I was like you. At one time I was asking those same questions, but with my skeptical soulless eyes and some unintentional lip movement. If I was just 40 years older and grayer, and delightfully stereotypical, I may have even said, "Why, I never!" It's true though - I never. I never had radishes on nachos, and if history has taught me anything (which it hasn't), most likely I never will again. It should be obvious to my enlightened readers that I am not a fan of radishes, but after this excursion the world has certainly become a little less repulsive. To my surprise they were perfectly delicious and absolutely befitting to this particular nacho concoction.    

 Radishes: less repugnant than you think.

It was originally difficult to explain the impression left by these nachos. There were so many unique flavors assaulting our collective meat tongues we found it difficult to pinpoint what was happening. They were gooey yet chunky, mild yet spicy, salty but sweet. And like Keyser Söze they were there... (initiate poofy magical hand gesture) then they were gone. However, there was never any confusion regarding our enjoyment due to these dichotomies, only an originally complicated (then conclusively simple) appreciation of the piquancy. We absolutely loved them. After all was said and done, and eaten and digested, it was the sweetness that was the lasting impression; compliments of the honey poblano sauce. Very surprising considering how the menu description led me to believe these "cheddar nachos" were going to have more spice than Arrakis.      

• Presentation:7
• Assembly: 8
• Uniqueness: 7
• Value: 9
• Taste: 8
• Overall: 7.8