Nachos We Lost in 2013

Every single New Year (since all the way back to 2014) I comb through my phone archives, stir the soup that is my memory and listen to grumbling in my gut to help recall and honor the nacho reviews we lost. Here are their stories...

Loco Pez
2401 E Norris St
Philadelphia, PA 19125
(267) 886-8061

Nachos

Menu Description: None available

Price: $5.00 (add meat for $3.00)

Look at that fucking mess. Disgusting. I remember about 5 people trying to eat these nachos at the same time.

Reason for being left behind: Alcohol and debauchery.



My Old Crib 
Philadelphia, PA 19147

Hot Pockets Snackers Fiesta Nacho Bites

Menu Description: Taco Seasoned Beef, Mexican Style Cheese Sauce, & Jalapenos, In a Soft Tortilla Style Shell

Price: $4.79

Being snowed in and hungry for nachos is a recipe for disaster. Luckily Kristan bought these Hot Pockets Snackers Fiesta Nacho Bites. It helped. For a bit.

Reason for being left behind: They're Hot Pockets. Review complete.



Wizard World Philadelphia Comic Con
PA Convention Center
1101 Arch St
Philadelphia, PA 19107
(215) 418-4700

Ultimate Nachos

Menu Description: Topped with: Sliced Jalapenos, Diced Onions, Black Olives, Sour Cream, Salsa and Nacho Cheese Sauce

Price: $7.00
Top With Shredded Chicken Add $1.00

I don't know what happened here. Either I ordered the wrong nachos, they gave me the wrong nachos, or I was completely sidetracked by some horrible cosplay.

Reason for being left behind: Look at that picture. Just like water, it is salt in two of it's three states.




Sharon & Steve's
Warrington, PA 18976

Sharon & Steve's Nachos

Menu Description: Tostitos chips and salsa with ground beef, tomatoes, jalapeno peppers and nacho cheese.

Price: Just my presence for dinner.

A fun night visiting some of my closest friends. Honorary nachos for dinner. What could be the issue?

Reason for being left behind: Total lackadasicalness on my part. I have no one to blame except Steve and Sharon.



Citizens Bank Park
1 Citizens Bank Way
Philadelphia, PA 19148
(215) 463-1000

Barbecue Chicken Nachos

Menu Description: Chips topped with slow roasted chicken braised in barbecue sauce with nacho cheese, black beans, fresh cut tomato salsa and sour cream

Chips topped with slow roasted chicken braised in barbecue sauce with nacho cheese, black beans, fresh cut tomato salsa and sour cream - See more at: http://rittenhoused.com/2012/04/03/extreme-makeover-citizens-bank-parks-nachos-edition/#sthash.bvzwtST6.dpuf

Chips topped with slow roasted chicken braised in barbecue sauce with nacho cheese, black beans, fresh cut tomato salsa and sour cream - See more at: http://rittenhoused.com/2012/04/03/extreme-makeover-citizens-bank-parks-nachos-edition/#sthash.bvzwtST6.dpuf

Price: $5.00 (add meat for $3.00)

Nachos at the ballpark! Blasphemy or progress? A radical review that would blow the doors off of traditional ballpark food ideology and question the tyranny of the ballpark hot dog kingpins.

Reason for being left behind: Amnesia. A plot line that will always destroy our favorite TV shows, movies and nacho blogs.



California Tortilla
10000 Roosevelt Blvd
Philadelphia, PA 191116
(215) 543-5713

Ultimate Nachos

Menu Description: White corn tortilla chips topped with queso, jalepeno peppers, sour cream, guac, chopped scallions and salsa.

Price: $5.19
Mesquite Chicken: $6.19
Taco Beef: $6.19
Grilled Steak: $6.89
Pork Carnitas: $6.69
Turkey Chili: $6.19
Veggies: $6.19

This forgotten review is one of my great failures. Look at all the varieties of nachos, dammit. Any restaurant that lists "guac" as an ingredient and Brangelina's their own name (CalTort) is definitely worth a review.

Reason for being left behind: Negligence. For this I fully expect Nacho Welfare Services to come to my house and raid my refrigerator of it's nacho ingredients. And rightfully so.




La Lupe
1201 South 9th St
Philadelphia, PA 19147
(215) 551-9920

Nachos Supremos

Menu Description: Chips with guacamole & cheese

Price: $8.50

One of my favorite places to eat before they closed their garage doors forever. Slow service, roommate backlash, and not a syllable of English to be heard could ever turn me off from this Mexican restaurant. My favorite alternative to Geno's and Pat's which were right next door.

Reason for being left behind: Great fucking question and a real conundrum we have here. I guess you don't know what you got (til it's gone).



My Old Crib 
Philadelphia, PA 19147

Valerie's Tater Tot Party Nachos

Menu Description: Tater Tots, Tomatoes, Scallions, Black Olives and Shredded Cheese

Price: What IS the price of a gift, I ask you?

Just take a look at that picture again. Soak it in. My mind was kinda blown out my right ear when I saw these. Beautiful, tasty and unique.

Reason for being left behind: Procrastination is a bitch. One of the many things I have learned on this journey is to strike while the iron is hot. When I sat down to write the review a couple weeks later I realized I couldn't remember anything properly. Getting old is a bitch too.



Kristan's Crib 
Philadelphia, PA 19115

My Do-It-Yourself Birthday Nachos

Menu Description: A buffet of ingredients to do with as we please!

Price: A long hard look at myself.

A kitchen full of friends creating their own nacho platters. Truly awe-inspiring and a total blast.

Reason for being left behind: I couldn't rate my own nachos! That would be like Judge Judy presiding over her own meth addiction intervention. "Judge not, that ye be not judged," right? Oh. That doesn't mean what I think it means? Well, damn...

Tattooed Mom

Tattoed Mom
530 South St
Philadelphia, PA 19147
(215) 238-9800


Nachos with Salsa, Sour Cream & Refried Beans

Menu Description: Nachos with Salsa, Sour Cream & Refried Beans. (A titular description.)

Price: $9.50


Full disclosure: Years and years ago, during my tenure as a South Street employer and subsequent resident I spent a lot of time at Tattooed Mom drinking beers and eating nachos. In fact, I can confidently say that Tattooed Mom's Nachos with Salsa, Sour Cream & Refried Beans are the genesis of my love affair with nachos. I would generally refer to these nachos when either reminiscing about the "good 'ol days" or favorably comparing them to sub-par nachos. If I were to rate Tattooed Mom's Nachos with Salsa, Sour Cream & Refried Beans today based on memory alone they would be a triumphant 10. My journey would have ended where it began and I would simply lay down and die. Fortunately for you, dear reader, I have returned home to rate these nachos fairly, honestly and Matlock-ly. This means that when positive memories start flooding in which could alter my nacho rating (and I heard Daniel Stern narrating my life) I suppressed them deep down with other memories which include knee surgery recovery, high school erections and the only scary part in The Exorcist III.

My only consistent memory of my 20's.

Wow...this is going to be harder than I thought. These nachos were good. Really good. And of course I wanted to love them. In fact, I wanted to have these nachos and eat them too. But like Motley Crue said all those years ago, things change. I can enthusiastically say that most of the basics were thankfully still the same. The three sides are in their own little black cups (which kept the chips crispy). The platter was baked and served in a tinfoil-wrapped basket. The nachos were layered with multi-colored chips, then cheeses, then chips, then cheeses, then chips and topped with... mixed cheese! So, what changed then? The refried beans are undeniably a different brand/flavor then I remember and I wasn't really a fan of the spice within (which i can't put my finger on). The assembly was spot on, but the cheese was not melted on the bottom half of the platter. And the biggest change? Probably me. Not to sound like a sentimental asshole, but these nachos represent a special time of empiricism, friendship and individuality in my life. They could have never lived up to my memory of them, but came pretty damn close. Vince Neil was right (as usual).

If you ever find yourself on South Street, solo or with friends, I would recommend going to Tattooed Mom, sit in a bumper car, order a beer, listen to some great music, eat some Nachos with Salsa, Sour Cream & Refried Beans, and meet some new people. Tell them some dude who really loves nachos sent you.

• Presentation: 7
• Assembly: 9
• Uniqueness: 4
• Value: 7
• Taste: 8
• Overall: 7.0

Jimmy Buffett's Air Margaritaville

Jimmy Buffett's Air Margaritaville: 
Montego Bay  
Sangster Int'l Airport
876 Montego Bay
St. James, Jamaica
(876) 952-4777






Nachos

From the Menu: Crispy corn tortilla chips with cheese, tomatoes, scallions, jalapenos, sour cream and salsa.

Price: $14.95

Add guacamole: $3.95


For the full effect of this review please play this song in the background.

Let's immediately not cut to the chase. When I was resorting in Jamaica this summer, hanging out with some great friends, I wanted to eat nachos somewhere... anywhere. Surely this would be a once in a lifetime treat! However, my selection was extremely limited due to the inclusion (aka very thick high walls) of the resort I was practically squatting at. I certainly couldn't leave the complex and wonder the Jamaican dirt roads, asking locals where I could procure nachos to rate for my blog, could I? That answer is simply and undeniably, "No." So, on the day I was leaving Jamaica I found myself in the airport making one last-ditch effort to enjoy Caribbean nachos at Jimmy Buffett's Air Margaritaville. Why the fuck not? He's Jimmy Buffet and is the epitome of the Caribbean lifestyle, right?

Vice President Larry David knows nachos, right?

Through my research to learn more about Jimmy Buffett prior to writing this blog I realized how little I actually knew about Jimmy Buffet. Let me ask you this: How many songs do you know by Jimmy Buffett? Probably just the 1, but maybe 2 at the most? What do you really know about the man except that he is a singer-songwriter? If he was walking down the street would you recognize him? If you were able to confidently answer any of these questions instead of my expected open-mouth silence then you are probably a "Parrothead." And for that I'm truly sorry, so close your browser and have a shitty life. I can never unhear "Math Sucks."

"If life gives you limes, make margaritas." - Jimmy Buffett

Now, I knew from the menu description I wasn't going to get those unique Caribbean nachos I was hoping for. That saddened me, but it is my fault for not utilizing the beach-dwelling locals back at the resort. Perhaps nachos were actually further down on the list of goods they would try to sell me on a nightly basis. Anyway, as I dove into the top layer of my nachos I knew I was slated for further regret because they were fucking soggy. This is not a good sign considering I still had the entire pail to go. It's like eating a sandwich but the condiments turn the bread into that delicious mouth-watering mush - I do not abide. Apart from this rookie nacho blunder by the cook, the guacamole was so painfully average I had to wash it down with the most Jamaican part of this meal: my Red Stripe beer. Well, I tried to power through as much of the nachos as I could, but even with my girlfriend's help we left at least half in the can. Regrettably, cheese cannot fix everything. I was just wasting time and money at Margaritaville. I guess you could say it was my own damn fault.

In closing, fuck you Jimmy Buffett for making me use that pun.

• Presentation: 8
• Assembly: 4
• Uniqueness: 3
• Value: 2 
• Taste: 3
• Overall: 4.0

Maracas

Maracas
155 S Canyon Dr
Palm Springs, CA 92262
(760) 322-9654











The Original Macho Gabacho Nachos

From the Menu: Homemade tortilla chips, ranchero sauce, refried beans and melted mixed cheese topped with sour cream, Pico de Gallo and our famous guacamole. 

Price: $8.95

Add: Chicken $10.95   Steak $10.95


Like the great Gold Rush in 1849, I too traveled to California in search of gold. Nacho Gold. With almost zero violent run-ins with Native Americans this year around, I found myself wandering the streets panning menus in search of that nacho nugget that would change my life forever. And like the 49'ers of that era, I ran into my own share of devastating issues: blazing heat and a music variety consisting of nothing but Red Hot Chili Peppers albums. It was rough. But through everything, and despite everything I endured, I found Maracas.

Gold as far as the eye can see...

This place knows how to do nachos. I actually spoke to the manager and thanked him afterwards. Seriously. The first thing I must point out is how large the plate is (the pictures simply don't do it justice). My best guesstimate is that the platter was 2 to 9 feet long, but I can't be sure. Secondly, the mixed cheeses were perfectly melted atop the crispy golden chips. Perfect tinge, perfect texturing, perfect temperature and taste. Each bite was a cheesy masterpiece. The sour cream and Pico de Gallo were well received by my taste buds, but the guacamole was simply outstanding (creamy and chunky!). I always welcome fresh house-made guacamole with open arms and an open mouth. Thank you maracas for restoring my faith in simple, yet remarkably tasty nachos. My journey can continue...   

• Presentation: 9
• Assembly: 8
• Uniqueness: 3
• Value: 9
• Taste: 9
• Overall: 7.6

Miller's Ale House

Miller's Ale House
9495 Roosevelt Blvd
Philadelphia, PA 19115
(215) 464-8349











Fiesta Nachos

From the Menu: Crispy Tortilla Chips Layered with Fresh Ground Beef Simmered in Ancho Chili Seasoning, Pico de Gallo and Jalapenos. Smothered in Jack & Cheddar Cheeses, then Melted until Bubbling. Topped with Sour Cream and Guacamole.  

Price: $8.99


Valentine's Day. Her. Me. A bottle of red wine. A celebration of us. Nachos were in the air. And sadly, like many tales of love this one ended in bitter tragedy. From the very first moment we met my eyes were fixated, and I knew any relationship that started out this hot would soon grow cold and devolve into a complicated mess. Sure, there were some good times, but nothing I haven't experienced before. With all that was promised I can't help but feel frustrated by the reality of deceit and disappointment. But life is a journey of discovery, isn't it?

We should all realize I'm talking about the Fiesta Nachos by now, right?

“And he hated himself and hated her, too, for the ruin they'd made of each other.”

I truly believe the "before & after" pics speak volumes about these nachos. There was very little there to hold my interest that was atypical. I would call these nachos "quintessential" but I concluded it is too ornamental a word for what I was served (even though they certainly were "everyday"). The chips were crispy on top yet soggy on the bottom. The pico de gallo, jalapenos, and sour cream were straight from the corporate can. Their version of guacamole was a commercialized recipe as not to offend anyone. The "Fresh Ground Beef Simmered in Ancho Chili Seasoning" sounded promising but barely registered a 35 on the Scoville scale for me. The Cheddar and Jack cheeses, usually a saving grace of any routine nacho platter, certainly was cheesy but couldn't pull it all together.

It's nachos like these that make me think of this famous quote:

"So it’s not gonna be easy. It’s gonna be really hard. We’re gonna have to work at this every day, but I want to do that because I want you. I want all of you, forever, you and me, every day…"
– Ryan Gosling, The Notebook

• Presentation: 7
• Assembly: 4
• Uniqueness: 2
• Value: 4
• Taste: 4
• Overall: 4.2