Tiffany Diner

Tiffany Diner
9010 Roosevelt Blvd.
Philadelphia, PA 19115
(215) 677-3916











Loaded Nachos

Tortilla chips with tomatoes, jalapeno peppers, black olives and Cheddar cheese with sour cream and salsa.  

Price: $6.29


Another day, another diner. Another breakfast for dinner and another dinner with nachos. I've always had certain expectations of diners which are universally satisfied in spades. The older waitress that calls me "hun" is expected. The obligatory "couple in a fight" that doesn't touch their food is always welcomed entertainment. That crazy (usually non-threatening) companion-less patron that sits in the far corner and mumbles just loud enough to offer a faint white noise is soothing. Of course excellent scrapple is a must and inferior neon yellow nachos are a guarantee. These are a few of my favorite things.

This picture is my review.
Symptoms of acute radiation syndrome include nausea and vomiting.

The obvious question then is, "why?" Why order nachos on a regular basis from a species of food establishments that I know will ultimately disappoint? Well, I think there are two answers. The first being, "I don't know. I'm a stupid." The second being, "What if this is the place? What if this is the diner that prepares spectacular nachos and I was too much of a smug asshole to give them a try?" These are the questions that keep me up at night while I count nacho chips jumping over a fence into my mouth. Needless to say (as showcased above), this was not that place. But, my quest will continue until the day I am that lonely weirdo mumbling about nachos in the corner booth hoping anyone will listen. 

• Presentation: 1
• Assembly: 3
• Uniqueness: 1
• Value: 2
• Taste: 2
• Overall: 1.8

Taco Bell

Taco Bell
514 Rt 38 Cherry Hill Mall
Cherry Hill, NJ 08002
(856) 663-6324











XXL Nachos

No description was available or necessary. They intrigued me with "LIMITED TIME." They then sealed the deal by simply promoting "OVER 1LB." Fuck.  

Steak: $6.49
Chicken $6.29
Beef $5.29
And add a large drink for only $1.00


There are two types of people in this world: Those who once ate at Taco Bell and those who eat at Taco Bell. I understand and respect both camps equally. More so, I respect any restaurant chain that can sell me on a menu item with no description of ingredients but clearly identifies the weight. This is an obvious indication that I am about to embark on a journey that will test my strength, question my girlfriend's choice of men, and ultimately allow me to self reflect in the bathroom mirror shortly thereafter.

1 lb of  delicious, camera-skake worthy, imminent diarrhea .

Some say less is more. Others think more is more. In this case more may be less, but less so more than you think. More shredded cheese would have been nice, while less liquid cheese goop would have been better. More steak was expected in the "XXL Nachos" weighing over 1 lb, but less time on the grill could have improved the "meat's" essence-of-steak taste. More salsa would have offered a welcomed shift in flavor and broke up the overall sandy-colored appearance, while less salt would have saved me a trip to the emergency room. Fundamentally, the more I ate the less I felt like a man, a nacho blogger and a member of the human species.

As Robert Browning wrote in his poem Andrea del Sarto: "Well, less is more, Lucrezia: I am judged."     

• Presentation:4
• Assembly: 4
• Uniqueness: 2
• Value: 6
• Taste: 4
• Overall: 4.0

Mad Mex

Mad Mex (take-out)
3401 Walnut St
Philadlephia, PA 19104
(215) 382-2221











Nachos Grande

A nearly unassailable chip mountain with cheese, jalapeño peppers, black beans, guacamole, salsa and sour cream. Add chicken, steak or taco beef for $1.95.

Price: $8.50


Once a year I purposely deprive myself of sleep for as long as possible, sit in an moderately uncomfortable chair, and watch ridiculously bad movies all in the name of fun. During the Exhumed 24 Hour Horror-thon held each October (more on this much delayed review later) my friends and I put on our most comfortable big-boy pants (of the sweat variety) and watch delightfully awful cinema for as long as humanly possible. We willingly deprive ourselves of such necessities as sunlight, clean air, unblemished underwear, nutrition, and state minimum personal welfare. Hence, my late night dinner (or maybe early morning breakfast) nachos hand delivered to me by my cinema cohorts.

Perfect for the entire family. Or me.

These nachos were not great. They weren't pretty. They weren't even warm. I suppose that is to be expected while eating take-out, on wire patio furniture, outdoors at an unknown hour, in late October. However, the one thing these nachos did do extremely well was fill the dietary hole in my stomach. The sheer mass of nacho ingredients outfitted in this tin was ungovernable. It was like a nacho cinder block. Even though these nachos were middle-of-the-road and mainstream I can certainly appreciate the quantity over quality attitude. At that moment, when I simply needed mass over substance, these nachos were there for me. I ate and I ate. Then I ate some more. Then there was a long period of time I don't remember and here we are today!  

So, as far as the delayed posting of this nacho feast I simply blame sleep deprivation and hysteria. It wasn't until this week that I stumbled upon these old camera pics that led to the flashbacks of congealed cheese, cramped knees and my renewed love of Tom Atkins in Halloween III: Season of the Witch.

• Presentation:4
• Assembly: 6
• Uniqueness: 3
• Value: 5
• Taste: 5
• Overall: 4.6

Shady Brook Farm

Shady Brook Farm
931 Stony Hill Rd
Yardley, PA 19067
(215) 968-1670










Nachos

Homemade Chili & Cheese

Price: $6.50


Pumpkin picking and haunted hayrides. Animal races complete with pigs named "Kevin Bacon" and "Lindsay Lo-ham". Corn mazes and monster trucks. Stroller parking lots. Random stacks of hay. Lost children. Lost fathers. Fathers pretending to be lost. Kettle corn made offsite to mimic fresh kettle corn made onsite. Pony rides and piles of shit. Glitter tattoo kiosks. A not-so haunted house. The "World Famous" pumpkin tree. False smiles and broken dreams. Bouncy castles not made for adults. Overpriced foodstuff. Theses are the things that make up the family couple's day afternoon of fun hell. All a man simply wants are nachos on days such as these.

The line of the damned.

So, obviously I made a terrible mistake believing these nachos would soothe my tattered soul. There really isn't much to say that already hasn't been vehemently slurred by a homeless man before. They were boring, overpriced, and took 15 to cobble together. Plus, I don't think "homemade chili" means what they think it means. Unless they think it means "borderline expired lukewarm Hormel canned chili." Then yes, they would be correct.

• Presentation: 2
• Assembly: 3
• Uniqueness: 2
• Value: 3
• Taste: 3
• Overall: 2.6

Watkins Drinkery, Part II: Nacho Boogaloo

Watkins Drinkery
1712 South 10th
Philadelphia, PA 19148
(215) 339-0175







Chinese Firecracker Nachos

Wild boar, fried wonton chips, napa cabbage slaw, sriracha

Price: $9.95


According to Wikipedia, "Nachos are a popular food based on nixtamalized corn, of Mexican origin associated with Tex-Mex cuisine that can be either made quickly to serve as a snack or prepared with more ingredients to make a full meal... Sometimes French fries, potato chips, or popcorn are used instead of tortilla chips." First off, reading the entire Wikipedia entry is more bland than the first nacho platter I reviewed on this site. Second, and more importantly, I had no idea that "French fries, potato chips, or popcorn" could officially be used instead of nixtamalized corn chips when creating a platter of nachos. Well, if Wikipedia says it's so (especially within the first couple sentences), I certainly feel more tolerant about the fried wonton chips used in these Chinese Firecracker Nachos.

Sike. I'm actually a delicious warthog.

For my loyal reader(s), you will notice that this is the second time I've visited Watkins Drinkery. Word on the streets of Philadelphia was that they recently changed their menu (which they will do multiple times a year) and unveiled a brand new nacho platter. So, of course I had to wrangle up the motley crew of nerds, order some pints and awkwardly sit at a group of tables right next to the bathroom AND kitchen for maximum "in-your-wayness". I am proud to announce on this blog that I have never had nachos like these before. The fried wonton chips made an excellent crispy foundation for the chunks of succulent wild boar. The sriracha sauce (a favorite for people with taste in condiments or without working taste buds) topped the crispy napa cabbage slaw which was sweet, sour and certainly something that would not work on any other nacho platter. Overall, a unconventional combination of popular (and semi-exotic) American Chinese flavors that I truly enjoyed. It may not be something I consider to be on the "comfort food" side of the nacho spectrum, but certainly a unique and tasty experience worthy of a lip smacking.      

• Presentation: 6
• Assembly: 6
• Uniqueness: 9
• Value: 7
• Taste: 8
• Overall: 7.2